Halloween is all about rules.
- Remember the zombie rules.
- Hand out lots of candy. C-a-n-d-y. Not healthy food or toothpaste.
- Remember the how-to-survive-a-horror-movie rules.
Scream helped to refresh my memory on surviving a horror movie. Let’s see if I would survive a horror movie.
- Never say you’ll be right back. (Don’t touch my ice cream. I’m just going for more syrup. I’ll be right back. Seriously. Don’t touch the ice cream!)
- Never have sex. (That ship has sailed….)
- Never drink or do drugs. (Can I get a half point here for not doing drugs?)
If you can’t remember the rules, this Halloween, just to be safe, just eat candy while playing Scrabble. No one ever dies while playing Scrabble.
Before I tell you what I learned from Scream, rewatching the movie raised a question:
Q: Why did teenage me have a crush on Matthew Lillard?
A: Just goes to show you I’m all about a sense of humor.
Anyways, here’s what I learned:
- When guys say they just want to do “a little on top of the clothes stuff,” don’t believe them. They want to get in your pants.
- There’s always a reason to kill your girlfriend. (Probably because she won’t let you in her pants….)
- “Hurry” means “Move your fat tub of lard ass now.”
- Everybody’s a suspect.
- It’s only acceptable to waste alcohol when you’re throwing it at a killer.
- Blond girls always die while brunettes live. (Booyah!)
And most importantly, you CANNOT fit through a cat door. Don’t even try. Just don’t.