Dear Davey Zinczenko,
I’m writing to you concerning your article 5 Worst Halloween Candies (and 10 Best Survival Tips). I think the title is a little deceiving.
I was expecting an article listing the candy that no one should give out on Halloween: candy cigarettes, unpackaged candy, etc. I was even expecting some tips to avoid egging and TPing.
- Don’t give out raisins.
- Don’t give out toothpaste and toothbrushes.
- Don’t mix chocolate candies with mint candies. (Contamination!)
Even some safety tips would be ok:
- Don’t hit your brother on the head with your candy apple.
- Don’t run with a lollipop in your mouth.
- The lady in the Gingerbread House will eat you.
But instead I see that you’ve written this article specifically to offend and bombard me with information I already know.
Exhibit A: Fun size? Unless you think it’s fun being a size 16.
I was a size 16 years ago. I still had fun. K? Thanks. Feel like a douchebag now, don’t ya?
Exhibit B: Eat a 3 Musketeers instead of a Butterfinger.
I love 3 Musketeers, and I hate Butterfingers. I think you just feel bad about the size 16 comment, and now you’re just trying to butter me up sans Butterfinger.
Exhibit C: Work out on Halloween.
I exercise every day. E-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. You never know when the zombie apocalypse or Stay Puft Marshmallow Man will strike.
Exhibit D: Eat Now or Laters for a healthy candy alternative.
Those things should be called “Now or Nevers.” I choose never. Ick.
Exhibit E: Eat Dum Dum Pops.
You’re recommending Dum-Dum lollipops? Really? Am I going trick’r’treating at the bank?
As you can see, Davey, we would probably work well as a team. You send me all of your articles, and I will proceed to shoot them down.
Please send me your address so I can TP your house drop off a goodie basket of all your healthy candy alternatives.
(That’s Ms. Thoughts Appear to you.)