The Marshmallow Man Will TP Your House

Dear Davey Zinczenko,

I’m writing to you concerning your article 5 Worst Halloween Candies (and 10 Best Survival Tips). I think the title is a little deceiving.

I was expecting an article listing the candy that no one should give out on Halloween: candy cigarettes, unpackaged candy, etc. I was even expecting some tips to avoid egging and TPing.

  1. Don’t give out raisins.
  2. Don’t give out toothpaste and toothbrushes.
  3. Don’t mix chocolate candies with mint candies. (Contamination!)

Even some safety tips would be ok:

  1. Don’t hit your brother on the head with your candy apple.
  2. Don’t run with a lollipop in your mouth.
  3. The lady in the Gingerbread House will eat you.

But instead I see that you’ve written this article specifically to offend and bombard me with information I already know.

Exhibit A: Fun size? Unless you think it’s fun being a size 16.

I was a size 16 years ago. I still had fun. K? Thanks. Feel like a douchebag now, don’t ya?

Exhibit B: Eat a 3 Musketeers instead of a Butterfinger.

I love 3 Musketeers, and I hate Butterfingers. I think you just feel bad about the size 16 comment, and now you’re just trying to butter me up sans Butterfinger.

Exhibit C: Work out on Halloween.

I exercise every day. E-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. You never know when the zombie apocalypse or Stay Puft Marshmallow Man will strike.

Exhibit D: Eat Now or Laters for a healthy candy alternative.

Those things should be called “Now or Nevers.” I choose never. Ick.

Exhibit E: Eat Dum Dum Pops.

You’re recommending Dum-Dum lollipops? Really? Am I going trick’r’treating at the bank?

As you can see, Davey, we would probably work well as a team. You send me all of your articles, and I will proceed to shoot them down.

Please send me your address so I can TP your house drop off a goodie basket of all your healthy candy alternatives.


Thoughts Appear

(That’s Ms. Thoughts Appear to you.)

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

56 responses to “The Marshmallow Man Will TP Your House

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