How to Avoid Being Hit by a Satellite

In case you haven’t heard, a 6-ton satellite is falling to Earth today. NASA thinks most of it is going to burn up, and what doesn’t burn up is going to break into pieces. They’re expecting about 20-some pieces weighing up to 300 pounds.

300 pounds. So really there’s nothing to worry about. Hopefully, NASA will hire Blurt so this doesn’t happen again in the future.

I don’t want anyone to get hurt, so here are my tips on how to survive the satellite shower.

  • Carry an umbrella to avoid being hit by debris.
  • If you’re like me and don’t have an umbrella, hold a newspaper over your head.
  • At the very least, wear a hoodie.
  • Move to Antartica. They said that’s definitely not a target.
  • Don’t stand near any trees.
  • Lay flat on the ground.
  • Don’t swim within 30 minutes of eating.
  • Stand in a doorway.
  • Stay in a cellar. Preferably, a cellar doorway…in Antartica.

I think that covers it. Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be just fine. And follow the advice of Dave Matthews: Look up, look down, all around, hey satellite.

If you do get hit by the satellite, apply ice and pressure, possibly a tourniquet, eat 2 cookies, and then call me in the morning.


About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

56 responses to “How to Avoid Being Hit by a Satellite

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