How Old Are You?

Remember back in June when I turned 30? Well, for an hour every day, I’m still 29.

Every day Mr. Elliptical asks me to enter my age and weight. And every day I lie about my age.

I push the down arrow repeatedly:

 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 30….

Then I look around to see if anyone I know is closeby, and when the coast is clear, I push the down arrow one more time: 29.

At first, it was out of habit. But I’ve been 30 for 3 months now, so there’s no excuse.

Or is there? Don’t most women lie about their weight? If I’m telling the truth about my weight, can’t I lie about my age?

There is no way I’m lying about my weight to Mr. Elliptical. I’m pretty sure the elliptical weighs you once you step up onto it.

I bet there is a 3-pound grace, and if the weight you enter is more than 3 pounds different from your actual weight, I bet a siren goes off, lights flash, and a robotic Mr. Elliptical voice says, We’ve got a fatty on the 2nd elliptical from the left!

I’m still waiting for that same voice to say, Your heart rate is up already? You’re sooooo out of shape.

But there’s no way the elliptical can see the new wrinkle in my forehead. So maybe I’ll just keep entering 29. At least for another year…or two.


About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

37 responses to “How Old Are You?

  • Connor @

    This made me laugh a bit. Ellipticals are evil weird little machines anyway. I mean what person thought that human legs wanted to move in tight little ovals? Must’ve watched too many Looney Tunes

  • Nikitaland


  • mistyslaws

    Ha!! Back in the day when I actually used to work out on those things, I always lied about my weight (I will never NOT lie about that!), but always told the truth about my age. The age thing never really bothered me. But I think lying about your age is better than lying about your weight for the elliptical purposes anyway, so I think you are good. Rock on my 29 year old friend!!

  • SuziCate

    You are too funny! I’d be more likely to lie to the machine about my weight (though it probably has a scale) than my age!

  • SuziCate

    See how old I am? I failed to SEE the bold letters “Built-In Scale”…I’d still TRY to find a way to trick it!!!!!!

  • Angelia Sims

    29 and holding!! Maybe you were born on leap year. Lol.

    I hope those machines never talk. Mine would need a therapist after me. 🙂

  • Leauxra

    Yeah, so, don’t ever get the Wii Fit. That sucker will not only keep track of you, but it will scold you if you put on a pound “Who had too many donuts?” WTF, SCREW YOU WII FIT!

    And ellipticals scar me slightly. I hurt myself on the treadmill on a semi-regular basis. I can’t imagine the damage I could do with arm thingys that move, too.

  • Amy

    Don’t use the same machine every time because it my have a time tracker and will know after 365 days that you most certainly are not 29 anymore and more alarms may sound.

  • savesprinkles1234

    I LOLed at the image of alarms going off! I’m 47 and never lie about my age because people are usually surprised when I tell them. I don’t know if this is because I look much younger than my age, or because I ACT much younger than I should for 47!! ps–I always lie about my weight–just ask my driver’s license!!

  • Paula @ thewilyweez

    I lie to those machines daily…it all evens out somewhere down the line!

  • Kitten Thunder's Girl

    I have a friend who is celebrating the ninth anniversary of his 30th birthday. You could go with that system. It seems to work for him.

  • TheIdiotSpeaketh

    🙂 I’m 46 and my Stationary bike still thinks I am 29….

  • Kim Pugliano

    Hahahaha!! I’m totally visualizing you with your finger hovered over the button, trying to look all cool while glancing over each shoulder and then clicking the button one last time and then smiling a little evilely (not a word but you get what I’m saying).

  • tazer warrior princess

    Of course you can lie. Robots always believe you. Unless they’re Terminator robots.

  • Androgoth

    I am just calling by to see what you are getting up to these days Thoughts Appear, actually I thought for a moment that I had missed your 29th Birthday again but no, you are still 29 and getting younger by the minute…

    By the way did you know that I am Peter Pan? 🙂 lol Well never mind it’s not important, just keep entering 29 and in about thirty years time crank it up to 30, trust me nobody will know the difference 🙂

    Do have a frighteningly wicked rest of day
    and a most ghoulishly excellent evening too 🙂

    Androgoth Xx

  • Bridgesburning Chris King

    The nice thing about Mr. Elliptical is that he accepts you as you are and how you want to be and keeps it all very confidential!

  • Angela Noelle

    Hahaha!! I like the way you’re thinking. I’m always terrified to lie about my weight–like what if it’s a safety issue and if I put the wrong info I’ll plummet to my death somehow? But age, eh, what’s that gonna hurt? Whatever keeps you feeling young 😉

  • Sandi Ormsby

    You are SO my kind of people! 🙂 Hidden Scales and sirens. That’s me on the treadmill “Are you seriously trying to jog? People can walk faster than 4.0” and the machine has a built in laughter (or applause after you increase your speed. Hey all right. You’re actually working out!)

    By the way, the end of your session when it calculates the total calories spent…keep entering the wrong age, and you won’t get an “accurate” reading. 🙂


  • Hippie Cahier

    Since I have the benefit and honor of having seen you in the last week, I can say that your elliptical will believe you about your age and there is no chance it would ever call you “fatty,” nor do I recall seeing any wrinkle.

    Then again, I am Over 40 (which will be my age for the rest of my life), so I don’t see that well.

  • Leanne Shirtliffe

    You crack me up. I’m usually so lazy on those machines I just enter the default. (Picture woman maniacally clicking “okay” half a dozen times and you have me.

  • leashieloo

    Ha, what a timely post. I’m having a twenties-crisis-meltdown. I’m turning 29 in December and am freaking out about it being my last year as a twentysomething. Ughhh, the DREAD.

  • prttynpnk

    The gym I use has a lot of seniors that aren’t so tech saavy so they removed all variables but the levels- so I’m always the youngest there no matter what!

  • Catherine

    Hilarious!! I always lie about my weight and no alarms yet (knock on wood). I’m terrified of the day I need to lie about my age too! Considering I’ve been paying a gym membership but not actually, umm, going to the gym for months and months, maybe I need to go to the gym and enjoy my last few years of not lying 🙂

  • belleofthecarnival

    I have a rule never ask a person about their age and if they ask you scold them. It’s none of their business 😉

  • Thypolar

    A few months ago i went to the gym with the kids and had a conversation with Mr Elliptical before getting on. I stepped on and stood there for a moment whispering sweet nothings into his ear, I inputted my age (no problem). But when I inputted my weight a loud alarm sounded and people started running around all crazy like. I got scared, jumped off, started apologizing for lying and ran out with the rest of the people. I was getting ready to give my apology speech to the group when the gym manager said she was sorry for the false alarm. They’ve never had the fire alarm just go off like that before.

    I still blame myself (looking around nervously)

  • DC BBW

    I’m 45…but when I turned 40, I heard it was the new 25. So I guess that makes me 30. Which means I should be hot and have swarms of men all over me….hell, let’s just say I am old enough to know better and young enough not to care.

  • Brittany

    If an elliptical or dreadmill yelled my lies aloud to the gym I would never return for fear of humiliation time and time again. Fortunately I am not to a place yet where I am wanting to round my age down, I more so want to round up.

  • ryoko861

    I have a digital scale in my bathroom. You would think it would be pretty accurate. I mean it even gives you ounces.

    So I go to the gyno for the yearly. This office is in a modern building. It has elevators. They have the latest technology for tests and scanning.

    They have a manual weight scale.

    Are you kidding me?

    You know the ones, they have the little weights you have to move up and down and balance the bar.

    I told the nurse, to help her out as to where to place the second weight, what my scale told me in my bathroom that morning.

    You mean to tell me that those dated manual scales are more accurate than my digital?

  • Mads

    No worries, I totally lie to the machine about my weight. I’m pretty sure it knows this and makes me work harder in an attempt to give me a heart attack.

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