Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

So I mentioned earlier that I’m dating myself. And I wanted flowers.

I like the flowers with the bright colors…even if they’re dyed.

While dating myself, I’m also taking some time to reflect on Kiefer and I’s relationship. Here are just a few things I came up with:

I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want him.

I don’t want this to be interpreted as me diminishing Kiefer’s feelings. I know he loved me. But I’m not sure if he really wanted me or if he just didn’t want to lose me.

You give someone cake* and ice cream, they’re gonna eat both. F*ck, I would.

Me, too. Well…only with real cake and ice cream. Not metaphorical cake and ice cream.

Before I moved in with Kiefer, he asked me if I would be willing to change my work schedule by 30 minutes, so I could take Boo and Radley to school in the morning.

I said no. If we were engaged or married, then yes. Did I occasionally run the boys to sports practices? Sure. But asking me to change my schedule permanently without any commitment from him? I think not.

Why? Because then Kiefer was having cake and eating it, too. And dammit…I wasn’t even having cake.

*This quote comes from Stumbling Towards Nirvana. I changed “candy” to “cake” because…well…I like cake better than candy…some days.


About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

47 responses to “Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

  • skippingstones

    These are excellent points. And you can love someone but just not be on the same page. You have to do what’s best for you.

  • t

    i hope you enjoy your cake when you find it, enough to have seconds.

    And i hope you don’t inadvertently eat the flowers when you do…

  • mistyslaws

    Pretty flowers. Does that mean you have to put out now? 🙂 Hope you find someone who wants you as much as you want him. That is the perfect situation. Anything short of that just makes one person feel like the lesser half of the relationship. It’s out there for you, I’m sure! Keep the faith . . .

  • SuziCate

    So happy you were strong enough and brave enough to stand your ground because well, damn it you do deserve both cake and ice cream!

  • Luda

    It’s taken me forever to learn that love, in and of itself, is not enough.

    Also, I really really like cake. Please send me some. My birthday is in two weeks and I’m already a fat ass.

  • Brittany

    You should read the book The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood if you have never had the opportunity to read it before. It’s one of my favorites. And because if eveything that has gone on lately in your life I think you might enjoy it too.

  • Hippie Cahier

    The best thing about buying flowers for yourself is you get to buy the dyed ones knowing that the recipient is going to love them.

  • Jess Witkins

    Hello! First, I must tell you, because it’s been awhile since I’ve visited (Bless me, Father, for I have sinned…) that I LOVE your header!

    And second, Say no more, Mon amor! I obviously don’t know Kiefer, but I have to say I’m proud of you. You made decisions that show you know your worth. They are smart decisions and you guys will work out what you need to. I am still in the processing phase of my relationship right now, but I identify with a lot that you say. It’s just the unevenness of things, and feeling like you’re cutting short on you. I’m planning my own week of Maximum Potential coming up this saturday. Crossing my fingers I can take full advantage and make some progress.

  • Linda Medrano

    I’m a little old school about all of this. When Alex and I were dating, he called me a lot more than I called him. If he said “hold on a minute” and then commence a conversation with someone else, I quietly hung up. When he called me back saying “why did you hang up?” I sweetly told him that it was obvious he was busy. When it came time to pay for dinner, I let him pull out his money even though at the time I earned more than he did. Men love to chase women. They love being the aggressor. If you give too much too soon, it seems to most men that what you have given is without value. It’s sometimes a struggle to hold back and let them “work for it”, but it generally ends up with fairly good results.

    I have always made it a point to only have relationships with men who adore me. If I adore him more than he does me, it just won’t work.

    • Starfish

      OMG! I totally agree with you. I’m realizing that more and more as I go through one relationship after another. It is best that men “work for it”. Thanks for sharing this with Thoughtsy and the rest of us single ladies 🙂

    • Christian Emmett

      This is an interesting opinion Linda and while I don’t necessarily disagree with it, I think that there has to be some balance.

      I’ve always been a bit of an old-fashioned guy myself, putting in the effort to let the women I’ve loved know how much they mean to me but there have been times when it seemed that the balance of take vs give has been out of whack.

      In my personal experience, the “men love to work for it” mentality from some women has led me to a place where I have felt that I was just being used and unnecessarily expected to prove myself all the time. I don’t mind doing the lion’s share, but I’m not a doormat.

      I wonder whether I’d be thought of in a positive way if I started “making women work for it”. I think the words chauvanist and pig would be prolific.

      Maybe I’m just being sensitive. I’m not arguing. I must still be learning.

    • thoughtsappear

      Linda, Sometimes I’m really good at holding back and sometimes not.

      Christian, I think there definitely has to be some balance. For me, I’m definitely a giver, so it’s hard for me to remember to take sometimes.

  • Deborah the Closet Monster

    Hell to the yeah!

    I often tell Li’l D, “I’d eat you up, if I could do that and still have you left over!”

    I hope he’ll understand earlier than I the importance of the choice(s) this reflects.

  • marinasleeps

    You are so right! I have to say you are thinking very logical and reasonable.
    Go girl!

  • Paula @ thewilyweez

    This post made me kind of sad, but happy that you are able to move forward and buy yourself pretty little flowers! 🙂

  • Kim Pugliano

    The only comment I can come up with is GOOD GIRL. You set the standard early on. Proud of you!!! When I divorced I met a guy who became really good friends with me with a little bit of romance but I knew he wasn’t someone I wanted to get serious with. Right wing versus left wing, Jesus versus Hannukah – wasn’t gonna work. Anywhooo, he helped me set the standard for the guy I DID want to marry, with the help of dating myself for awhile.

    Yay you!

  • Thypolar

    Good for you! I agree 100% and wouldn’t have changed my schedule either. Now if I was getting chocolate cake out of the deal (or a yummy alcoholic beverage), I may have to quit my job altogether. 🙂

  • belleofthecarnival

    It’s time for you to have your cake and eat it too! It’s time to move forward and find the love you deserve. In the meantime, how are those plans to the tropical island?

  • omawarisan

    If you surprised yourself with the flowers we are going to have to talk.

  • Sara no "H"

    I love the way you date yourself. Maybe, I should marry myself so I could get flowers. I don’t have any money though..so I would have to start hooking and that just defeats the purpose of making myself feel better. …I’ll figure it out. 🙂

  • The Flying Chalupa

    Hold the fuck up – you and Kiefer broke up? Honestly, I miss every big post you write.

    First, I’m sorry. And second, I’m happy to read that you know what you deserve. Because yes, you deserve more. And from the looks of it, you’ve probably know it for a while.

    Goddamn cake eaters. WHERE ARE THE BAKERS?

  • Amy

    I love daisies. It’s hard not to smile looking at them. I hope you’re smiling a lot and you continue to realize that you are worth it.

  • Starfish

    I’m so proud of you for thinking that way! I do prefer cake over candy 🙂 Can’t wait to see you this weekend!!!

  • pearlsandprose

    That first point says it all. Wished I’d learned that when I was your age. You’re going to be just fine, Thoughtsy.

  • savesprinkles1234

    Good for you girl! I’m glad to see that you believe that you deserve cake and ice cream, because you really do. You’re too cute to settle. Don’t go for the storebought cake either–go for the homemade Paul Deen recipe kind of cake!! 🙂

  • totsymae1011

    A slice of cake, maybe but not ice cream too. Guys are so greedy…(rolling my neck and ready to file my nails).

  • educlaytion

    As a hermit I often have my cake and eat it too but no one really knows.

  • Tracy

    Love it. The last time I bought flowers for myself. I came home, put them in a vase, and told my man that he owned me $8.99 plus tax.

  • Lisa

    Dang, I hate to hear y’all are no longer together, but you deserve better.

  • Bonnie

    I still frequently buy flowers for myself. As far as changing things in life around to benefit everyone else (other than yourself, of course), you made absolutely the right choice. We shouldn’t commit ourselves and changes in our lives if it becomes obvious that our partner isn’t all about doing the same. Period.

  • Catherine

    I think you are making some really good points here… and I’m glad you are thinking through these things. I had similary same thoughts right after my break up. My ex, when our marriage counselor asked him what his favorite thing about me was, said that I do his laundry. Not that I was funny, or smart or pretty. That I did his laundry. He laughed and said he misunderstood the question. I let it go. And looking back, I’m just like wow. That happened?

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