Sizing Up Second Base

It’s official. I’m old. All of you who said 30 wasn’t old, you lied. Liar, liar, pants on fire!

I’m here to tell all you 20-somethings that it’s all downhill once you turn 30. First, you turn 30. Then…boob shrinkage.

Gentlemen, I apologize if you were hoping to find a sports-related post.

The other day Becky and I went to Maggie Moo’s to try the new Cocoa Caramel ice cream. Delish! (You remember Becky? She’s my ice cream partner in crime.)

We noticed a new intimates store next to a nearby bar (Genius or idiotic placement? You decide.), and the words “Free Bra” beckoned to us.

After measuring us, the lady left to grab some bras…without telling me my size.

She returned with a 36B.

Exsqueeze me? I’ve been a 36C for as long as I can remember. I even have a couple bras that are 34Ds. When I was younger, the twins sprouted overnight into a full C cup. I skipped the training bra, dammit!

This must be some type of mistake. I put the bra on to show her my breasts were gonna spill out of that sucker.

But they didn’t. What the frick…. This can’t be happening to me! My breasts shrunk. Is this related to my lack of Pop-Tarts? I knew Pop-Tarts made penises bigger, but apparently, they make boobs bigger, too.

Me: Becky, my chest shrunk!

She had no sympathy for me because she’s a DD, but she did offer to give me one or two of her cup sizes.

Then the lady brought me another bra. Also a 36B. Before sobbing hysterically on the floor, I decided to hold it together until I had confirmation.

I slipped into the second bra, and my boobs were busting out of it.

Me: Becky, my boobs are busting out of this bra! Tee-hee. I said “busting.”

Becky: God, you’re such an English major.

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

39 responses to “Sizing Up Second Base

  • mairzeebp

    Wait, what do Pop Tarts do for penises? And, I’ve had the same thing happen except the other way around. My boobs seemed to get bigger and as I frantically looked around the room as the air was squeezed out of me by the too tight bra I was trying on, I did whatever I could think of to keep myself calm long enough to MacGuyver my way out of things. Maybe I can try the opposite of Pop Tarts to reverse the growth. What’s the opposite? And don’t dare say exercise. 🙂 Maybe it’s Toaster Strudel?

  • savesprinkles1234

    You poor ancient girl! I’m sure it was just the sizing of the bra. Women’s clothing seems to have no standard sizes like men’s do.
    Pop Tarts really make the old dong bigger, huh? Hmmmmm…

  • Hippie Cahier

    Well, then, you should look forward to 40. Everything gets bigger then.

  • Denise

    You will love being pregnant then. I’ve always been a 36/38C as well- However, now, – 40D. That happened overnight too. O and just wait till you hit 35 if you think 30 is bad.

  • fnkybee

    I was always a full B until I had kids then I was a c! WOOHOO! For a few months I rocked some shirts that I couldn’t fill before. Well let me tell ya, after having 2 kids I am now an A. It is true. The damn kids sucked all my boobage away and I didn’t have much to spare in the first place. GRRR! B saw a pic of me from high school and said and I quote “Oh you did have boobs!”. Thanks B..Thanks.

  • Misty

    Apparently, said the lady who measured me for my wedding, a vast majority of women think they are 36C when they are actually all sorts of other things. I was apparently a 34D when measured. Who knew? But yes, as the above poster stated, you better love those puppies now, because when the kids come, those suckers go all to hell.

    And since when is calling someone an English major an insult? I thought the same thing when you said it, but more in a Beavis & Butthead kind of “huh huh huh, she said busting” kind of way. And that? Is how you know that I’M old.

  • Sara no "H"

    Awe boobies. I really get tired of them. I do think “C” is the perfect size. I was a “C” once and then they just kept growing. I miss those days…

  • Miss Sassy Pants

    Save the boobies!

    I can’t imagine my boobs getting any smaller… I’d look like a prepubescent boy.

  • Linda Medrano

    Oh silly goose, different manufacturers use different measurements for bras. I am a 38 C and I used to be a 32 D when I was a kitten. Body shapes change a little over the years but at 30, not so much. Now on the other hand, on my 34th birthday, I realized my boobs had started to droop a little bit, and the pencil would no longer fall from beneath them when I tested to see if I needed a bra. That was not a good day.

  • leauxra

    Wow. I have never been close to a C. I did, however, put on my “25 at 35” (pounds) and I am finally a B cup, which is kinda cool. Except now I have to have a sports bra to run. And why the hell don’t they make “sports bras” for the rest of my body now that I have this soft protective layer of flab?

    Also, how could you NOT make a joke about “busting”?

  • Nikki B

    I was a 34C for ever and ever and ever. Well. Let’s be honest. In college, it should’ve been a 36-38D, but I liked how my C-cup, uh, overfloweth (yeah so might’ve been a lil trashy in college. And freshmen fifteen-smiffteen. I was hot, yo. whateeevah.)

    And then. One day. I was in my local Vicky Secrets.

    32B.

    B??? B??????? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

    Apparently I’d lost some weight. That was my only condolence. It took me months to get over my C-to-B shift. And only after I’d discovered padding. (hey, there is nothing wrong with As and Bs. I was just used to Cs. And I’m still a lil trashy so… )

  • tazer warrior princess

    Mine just keep getting bigger. Motherfuckers.

  • Kim Pugliano

    Have you ever LITERALLY busted out of a bra? My first day of work after having my son I was only able to nurse him during my lunch hour and pump during two 15-minute breaks. When I picked him up from daycare my boobs were like, “Woohoo!!! Noah! How ya doin kid? We missed you! Boy do we have a TREAT for you!” I’m driving home and the milk comes pouring into place like a kid sliding down Venom at the water park, the 650-foot practically vertical drop. That milk came in so fast my boobs expanded at a rate that caused my bra to actually break with the force. Pre-pregnancy – 34C. That day – 36 DD plus.

  • Androgoth

    I see that this posting is most definitely a Boob Stopper, but still a worthy posting with some rather interesting features, notice that I said some and not a couple 🙂 Well I have to be very careful not to upset the Lady Vampires in my Realm as it is bad enough keeping those Male Ghouls and Zombies in line after your wickedly posted declaration on Pop Tart statistics… lol

    Have a great rest of Tuesday now…

    Androgoth Xx

  • Chase McFadden

    Actually, this is exactly what I was hoping to find. Thanks for keeping your readers abreast of this situation.

  • Amy

    “Busting” – Ha!
    And, yeah, intimates store next to a bar, that one could go either way.

    Your new theme looks familiar . . . .
    🙂

  • Thypolar

    First of all I never lied about the whole “30 being old” thing. I’m about to turn 33 and I was old by the age of 28. With that said, I am thankful I can cancel that appointment with the psychiatrist now. I thought I was the only one who’s boobs changed size over night. One day I’m a D and the next I’m a C. A week later I’m back to a D. At least yours shrink in unison. Wait….maybe I should keep that appointment.

  • belleofthecarnival

    Hahaha! Don’t even get me started about boobs! But thirty isn’t old! It’s all a state of mind and pop tarts keep you young 😉

  • hoodyhoo

    Worry not, Young Skywalker! My boobs have been getting progressively bigger since I hit bout 32 –just don’t listen to the bra store skanks, I used to be one of those girls, and them bitches LIE!

  • leashieloo

    Omg, don’t scare me. I turn 29 in December and am only dreading it because of how much closer I am to 30. I still have the mindset of a 15 year old, I’m not ready for this!!!!

    Now that I’m done flipping out, happy birthday 🙂

  • Angela Noelle

    This is really bad news, because I don’t *have* any extra boob to lose. I need everything I’ve got!

  • Tori Nelson

    I still stare at my itty bitty boobies in shock and disappointment. Between a baby and some weight loss, the girls have seen bigger, better days!

  • TheIdiotSpeaketh

    Whew! I am so glad you are still “busting”…… this is so much better than a silly sports post! 🙂

  • Mads

    Depending on the store, I have been a B cup to a D cup. If that makes you feel any better.
    I also fluctuate if I gain or lose any weight at all. It’s really a lose lose sort of deal.
    I just really hope my gut starts shrinking when I reach 30.

  • Bonnie

    “Is this related to my lack of Pop-Tarts?” bahahahaha!!
    Oh, and I second what Hippie Cahier said. 🙂
    Happy 30 to you!

  • pearlsandprose

    Hey, I like the new look!

    Just wait until you have kids–you’ll need bras in three different sizes.

  • Catherine

    No … seriously. I knew your boobs would sag —- but do they really shrink??? Tell me it’s not so — I don’t wanna get old!!

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