I perused my blog’s search terms the other day, and I saw this:
I like ketchup on my ketchup.
Dude, that’s so me. Whoever wrote that…you’re my soulmate. Call me.
Anyways, this post’s purpose is to serve as a warning. I found something else in the search terms.
A zombie ate my cupcake.
Those bastards!
Apparently, the zombie apocalypse has begun. Lock up, your women, children, and cupcakes.
Here’s a Q&A session using other search-term questions:
- Where do I hide my methadone when flying? Uhhh…I need to stop referring to good food as crack.
- Do Pop-Tarts give you an enlarged penis? Pop-Tarts made my boobs bigger, so they probably have the same effect on male organs as well.
- How do you get a cat to grant your wish? This is just a myth.
- How do you make a Pop-Tart purse? Until Pop-Tarts are spinkle- and crumb-free, a Pop-Tart purse is just a big idea.
- Can I eat Pop-Tarts every morning with milk? No. The sprinkles react with the milk and cause your stomach to explode. Just like Pop Rocks and soda. Then…you get faucet butt.
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June 3rd, 2011 at 8:03 am
That’s it? That’s all I needed for bigger boobs? Someone should have told me YEARS ago.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:09 am
It’s never too late.
June 3rd, 2011 at 8:29 am
Faucet butt…bwahahahaha!
June 6th, 2011 at 8:09 am
I almost left that part out, but it’s just such a fun phrase.
June 3rd, 2011 at 8:36 am
I can’t get past the one about cats granting wishes. What a strange question. It’s like, those are actual words, but they make no sense. It’s like asking, “What’s the best size bowling ball to use for cooking ham?” I mean, I understand the words, but I don’t understand the question.
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Exactly. Well said, Todd.
My reply to the person asking the question would be:
“Try hiding the cat in your Pop-Tart purse.”
Same rules of confusion apply.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:11 am
Exactly!
June 6th, 2011 at 8:11 am
Awesome comment!
June 3rd, 2011 at 9:31 am
Ketchup on cupcakes? Must be a zombie thing! I think I just lost my appetite! Some of those search terms are crazy!!!!
June 6th, 2011 at 8:12 am
That’s where I draw the line. No ketchup on sweets.
June 3rd, 2011 at 10:43 am
I like ketchup on my cats. Does that count? I hide the methadone in the pop tarts. Nobody ever looks there. For really big boobs, eat waffles at the pancake house. For a bigger penis, try Kegel exercises. There. All the answers.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:13 am
I should have come to you before I posted this.
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:20 pm
I have search term envy! None of the search terms leading to my blog are half as awesome as these. Yesterday, when I saw the search term “deborah bryans monster legs,” I knew exactly where that came from.
Zombie cupcakes. I want one so bad.
And speaking of ketchup? Yesterday at lunch, I had 2/3 of a bottle of Heinz with my fries. I wondered if I maybe have a ketchup problem. I decided that’s ridiculous; I merely have a totally understandable ketchup affinity! 😀
June 6th, 2011 at 8:21 am
Ketchup on fries, ketchup on onion rings…I like a few fries with my ketchup.
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:57 pm
That’s freaking awesome. I love seeing the random crap people search for and find my blog. They must be so disappointed!
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:57 pm
I’m so in love with that zombie brain cupcake! I can hardly wait for Halloween now!
June 3rd, 2011 at 2:04 pm
That cupcake makes me want to barf.
Which, considering how much I love sugar and frosting, is saying a lot.
June 3rd, 2011 at 4:09 pm
If my son knew google existed, he’d have searched the ketchup one. I hope he wouldn’t have searched the methadone one. Kids, these days.
June 3rd, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Clearly the best place to keep your methdone on the plane is in your zombie cupcakes.
June 3rd, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Maybe people should have to sign their searches so we can go back and ask what the hell they were thinking. I hope my neighbor’s cat is reading this, he hasn’t done squat for me…yet.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:22 am
Signing searches would be a great idea. In fact, I’m going to do one for you. Keep an eye out!
June 4th, 2011 at 7:38 am
You’re joking about the sprinkles thing, right?
Had this search recently: “Do people eat monkey testicles?” And now I’m curious.
June 5th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Yes Chase. Yes they do. Don’t judge.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:23 am
Ewwww! About the monkey testicles not the sprinkles.
June 17th, 2011 at 2:12 am
I need to do a compilation of the searches that led to my blog. Most of the people finding my blog are horndogs and porn freaks.