I perused my blog’s search terms the other day, and I saw this:
I like ketchup on my ketchup.
Dude, that’s so me. Whoever wrote that…you’re my soulmate. Call me.
Anyways, this post’s purpose is to serve as a warning. I found something else in the search terms.
A zombie ate my cupcake.
Those bastards!
Apparently, the zombie apocalypse has begun. Lock up, your women, children, and cupcakes.
Here’s a Q&A session using other search-term questions:
- Where do I hide my methadone when flying? Uhhh…I need to stop referring to good food as crack.
- Do Pop-Tarts give you an enlarged penis? Pop-Tarts made my boobs bigger, so they probably have the same effect on male organs as well.
- How do you get a cat to grant your wish? This is just a myth.
- How do you make a Pop-Tart purse? Until Pop-Tarts are spinkle- and crumb-free, a Pop-Tart purse is just a big idea.
- Can I eat Pop-Tarts every morning with milk? No. The sprinkles react with the milk and cause your stomach to explode. Just like Pop Rocks and soda. Then…you get faucet butt.
June 3rd, 2011 at 8:03 am
That’s it? That’s all I needed for bigger boobs? Someone should have told me YEARS ago.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:09 am
It’s never too late.
June 3rd, 2011 at 8:29 am
Faucet butt…bwahahahaha!
June 6th, 2011 at 8:09 am
I almost left that part out, but it’s just such a fun phrase.
June 3rd, 2011 at 8:36 am
I can’t get past the one about cats granting wishes. What a strange question. It’s like, those are actual words, but they make no sense. It’s like asking, “What’s the best size bowling ball to use for cooking ham?” I mean, I understand the words, but I don’t understand the question.
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Exactly. Well said, Todd.
My reply to the person asking the question would be:
“Try hiding the cat in your Pop-Tart purse.”
Same rules of confusion apply.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:11 am
Exactly!
June 6th, 2011 at 8:11 am
Awesome comment!
June 3rd, 2011 at 9:31 am
Ketchup on cupcakes? Must be a zombie thing! I think I just lost my appetite! Some of those search terms are crazy!!!!
June 6th, 2011 at 8:12 am
That’s where I draw the line. No ketchup on sweets.
June 3rd, 2011 at 10:43 am
I like ketchup on my cats. Does that count? I hide the methadone in the pop tarts. Nobody ever looks there. For really big boobs, eat waffles at the pancake house. For a bigger penis, try Kegel exercises. There. All the answers.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:13 am
I should have come to you before I posted this.
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:20 pm
I have search term envy! None of the search terms leading to my blog are half as awesome as these. Yesterday, when I saw the search term “deborah bryans monster legs,” I knew exactly where that came from.
Zombie cupcakes. I want one so bad.
And speaking of ketchup? Yesterday at lunch, I had 2/3 of a bottle of Heinz with my fries. I wondered if I maybe have a ketchup problem. I decided that’s ridiculous; I merely have a totally understandable ketchup affinity! 😀
June 6th, 2011 at 8:21 am
Ketchup on fries, ketchup on onion rings…I like a few fries with my ketchup.
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:57 pm
That’s freaking awesome. I love seeing the random crap people search for and find my blog. They must be so disappointed!
June 3rd, 2011 at 12:57 pm
I’m so in love with that zombie brain cupcake! I can hardly wait for Halloween now!
June 3rd, 2011 at 2:04 pm
That cupcake makes me want to barf.
Which, considering how much I love sugar and frosting, is saying a lot.
June 3rd, 2011 at 4:09 pm
If my son knew google existed, he’d have searched the ketchup one. I hope he wouldn’t have searched the methadone one. Kids, these days.
June 3rd, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Clearly the best place to keep your methdone on the plane is in your zombie cupcakes.
June 3rd, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Maybe people should have to sign their searches so we can go back and ask what the hell they were thinking. I hope my neighbor’s cat is reading this, he hasn’t done squat for me…yet.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:22 am
Signing searches would be a great idea. In fact, I’m going to do one for you. Keep an eye out!
June 4th, 2011 at 7:38 am
You’re joking about the sprinkles thing, right?
Had this search recently: “Do people eat monkey testicles?” And now I’m curious.
June 5th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Yes Chase. Yes they do. Don’t judge.
June 6th, 2011 at 8:23 am
Ewwww! About the monkey testicles not the sprinkles.
June 17th, 2011 at 2:12 am
I need to do a compilation of the searches that led to my blog. Most of the people finding my blog are horndogs and porn freaks.