- Pawn your cat off on your parents.
- Buy 10 new swimsuits.
- Realize you may have gone overboard (Bwahaha! Overboard! Get it?) and return 3 swimsuits.
- Wax your underarms.
- After the underarm pain subsides, wax your bikini line.
DoubleTriple check the boarding time so you don’t miss the boat.
- Buy 5 bottles of Dramamine.
- Notice your pasty white legs.
- Apply Natural Glow Firming Tanning Lotion (fair to medium skin tones).
- Realize you don’t have time for gradual tanning. Apply lotion for medium to tan skin tones.
- Wonder if your hands look orange.
- Pack entire summer wardrobe.
- Confirm that your hands are definitely orange.
- Drop hints that it would be coolest thing ever if your boyfriend proposed on the cruise.
- Realize you shouldn’t get your hopes up.
- Practice your surprise-ring face just in case.
- Create “Have You Seen Pete the Penguin?” posters to pass out to the water wildlife in case he survived the shark attack.
- Narrow your book selection down from 10 books to 2. Well, maybe 3.
- Buy underwater cameras. (Crap. I’ll be right back.)
April 6, 2011