Esme: How long are you going to be gone for?
Me: A week.
Esme: You’re not leaving me here with the dog, are you? Who will feed me, brush me, and empty my litter box while you’re gone? Did I ask who would feed me?
Me: No, I’m not leaving you with the dog. You’re going to my parents’ house.
Esme: Will they let me scratch and claw at them?
Me: No. (Tax Credit #4 taught me everything I know.)
Esme: Can I wake them up at 3:30 in the morning to feed me?
Esme: Can I sleep on their chests and nearly suffocate them in their sleep just like I do to you?
Esme: Wow, you’re kinda the best owner ever, aren’t you?
Esme: Can I come with you on your cruise?
Esme: Best-owner-ever status withdrawn.