Coming Down to the Wire

Kiefer and I’s 3-year anniversary is at the end of May.

3 years is the length of time I told Kiefer I would wait for a ring.

It’s been nearly 3 years…and no ring.

Not only is there no ring, but Kiefer and I aren’t even living together. Sure we’ve been talking about it…again. But I’m having one of those days where I just keep thinking: Talk is cheap.

Our relationship has been in the same spot for nearly 3 years.

Of course, there have been some huge steps:

  • Meeting Kiefer’s family
  • Spending the night at Kiefer’s house on nights he has the boys
  • Coordinating with Boo and Radley’s mom to have the boys surprise Kiefer
  • Me spending time with the boys without Kiefer
  • Kiefer joking/hinting at us getting engaged

There are probably more I can’t think of right now. I don’t want to diminish the importance of these events because they are important.

But I’m also tired. Very, very tired.

  • Tired of running back and forth between my house and Kiefer’s house multiple times a day.
  • Tired of doing chores at my house and then doing the exact same thing at Kiefer’s because I feel bad doing nothing while he folds laundry, does dishes, etc.
  • Tired of waiting in the same spot. Like I’m in a line and I’ll never make it to the front.
  • Tired of having Kiefer change the subject if I bring up getting married.
  • Tired of having people ask me when Kiefer and I are getting married.
  • Tired of one day feeling like he’ll propose soon and the next day feeling like we’ll never get married.

Just tired.

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

66 responses to “Coming Down to the Wire

  • nikitaland

    I feel for you and I’m in the same situation. I have just given up. Given up on hinting, given up on getting excited that “today” might be the day, given up that something would happen on my bday, Christmas, or Valentine’s Day, just plain given up because the question will never be asked. Not sure what is wrong with guys in general who are afraid of commitment, but I think it has alot to do with their past relationships. They can’t seem to get “past” them and it prohibits their present & future. I am a firm believer that “life is too short”, and one day they will wake up & all of us who are waiting to share our lives with them, will be gone. So, whatever the case may be guys on your reluctance to commit, ask yourself “would I miss HER if she was gone”? If you can answer yes to this question, then you need to stop dilly-dallying and tell the one you love how you feel & pop the question already. We’re tired of waiting…

    • thoughtsappear

      I’m so sorry that you’re in the same situation as me. It stinks. And I know that I’ve-given-up-feeling. It sucks. =( It makes me feel like I’m ok with the disappointment. I refuse to give in!

  • Denise

    I understand your frustration. 3 years is a long time at this stage of your life. Ryan and I were together 6 years before we got married but I was in college and that was a different point in my life. I think if Kiefer is avoiding the marriage thing all together you would know about it. There comes a point where you have to say “shit or get off the pot” and he needs to respect that. It’s likely that his past has something to do with his reluctance to go down that road again, esp if things are working the way they are. Also, you want to make sure he is ready and not proposing because he felt pressured into it. It will definitely come out later and cause more problems. I think you need to sit down and have a chat with him and don’t let him change the subject. Tell him to be honest with you. You’ll know at that point where you are headed.

  • mescribe

    It sounds tiresome, friend, and like it’s the least fun kind of tiresome this planet has to offer. I’m sorry to hear that you have to endure it, and even sorrier that you’ve had to endure it for such a long time…

    Well, you’ll simply have to move in without him knowing about it. I mean, you bring your stuff over and sneak them – successively – in with his so that he doesn’t even really notice (and if he does notice you laugh it off and shake your head and tell him “What, that? That’s always been there, Kiefer, you silly man.”)

    With the amount of time you spend over there anyway I doubt he’ll really notice and then, on your three-year-three-months anniversary, when he asks if you think you should move in together, you pat his hand lovingly, tilt your head to the side and say “Oh, Kiefer, you silly man, we already have.” Sorry that I’m making you sound slightly middle-aged here, I sincerely don’t see you that way. But Kiefer IS a silly man for not having already scooped you up like a spoonful of your favorite ice-cream and told you he can’t be without you!

    All my best and crossing my fingers for a ring in a very near future. For you! From Kiefer.

  • SuziCate

    So sorry you’re tired. Hugs. Hoping Kiefer wises up.

  • Amy

    You gave him ample warning. The ball is in his court. If he’s anything like the guys I know, he’ll wait until the three years are up, right down to the minute just to be cute (so not cute!). If he doesn’t, though, you have to ask yourself if you will make good on your promise not to wait any more.
    So sorry you are feeling this way.

  • Zahara

    I feel your pain. Traipsing back and forth between two houses sucks. As does wanting to be married, while the man is reluctant. Previously married men seem to be especially scared.
    We love you and wish you the best!

  • The Zen Assassin

    I hate offering advice because every situation a person experiences is unique despite having certain similarities. Instead I’ll just leave some of my thoughts on the table for you to sift through (hope you don’t mind).
    My wife and I were together for over a decade before we actually tied the knot. The actual act of marraige wasn’t a huge concern for us. We had a ton of ups and downs (like any relationship) but it helped us learn more about one another. I’m not suggesting anyone wait that long to get hitched but it takes some time before you can actually really know if you can be with someone till the end. It’s one thing to date but it’s another thing to live with someone, know their bad habits, know the little things that push your buttons. It takes a lot of mental fortitude but it’s a compromise that works both ways. It’s like Chris Rock once said, you can’t just love the toast. You have to love the grimy little bits at the bottom of the toaster as well.
    If you’re putting in more than you’re getting out of the relationship then perhaps it’s time to reevaluate. The only thing that you can do is take it all in (the good and the bad) and see if it’s worth it. If it is then the hard work will pay off enentually. If not then it’s another one of those life lessons. If there was a manual out there about how relationships work that’s be swell but we all know there’s not. We just write chapters for the neverending story… (love that movie btw)

    • thoughtsappear

      Thanks for the advice! I think you hit the nail on the head with “If you’re putting in more than you’re getting out of the relationship.” I “put in” a lot already (not to say that Kiefer’s not), but I want to “put in” more.

  • Angela Noelle

    I’m so sorry that you’re hitting this wall. I’ve been there before, and I know it’s not fun. I dated my now-husband for four years before we got engaged, and most of that was long distance, so I completely understand the exhaustion and impatience with treading water in a relationship. But it did eventually work out for us, and I really hope that it does for you and K. Just from the piece of your life that you’ve shared here, it sounds like y’all are such a great couple, and I hope that he “locks it in” soon!

  • belleofthecarnival

    He seems like a great guy! Maybe he needs a big hint! Perhaps, e-mail him photos of engagment rings that you like from Tiffany’s everyday until he picks up on the sign.

  • TheIdiotSpeaketh

    Maybe he is waiting for that 3rd Ann date…… if not, I would kick him in the butt and remind him that there are other fish in the sea for you to catch….. 🙂

  • nikki04

    Honestly, love, talk to him about it.

    Yes, again.

    But. Maybe from a different angle. Not about how you want to get married and how he’s known that and how him not doing anything *is* upsetting and how tired you are (honey, you have every right to be).

    I mean… really talk about what *he* wants. If you know you want marriage… what are his reasons for not being on that page? Maybe he’s not sure about marriage as an institution. Or if it’s for him. Or if he’ll change his mind in five years and oh god that’s scary. And make sure he feels really safe being 100% honest with you. That is the key.

    As for his reasons – if it’s the first couple? Then you guys need to really talk about how to bridge that difference. If it’s the latter? Well, goddamn it, everything we do in life is risky. Everything. Even walking across the street. You can choke eating food. More than that, anything we do that is worth something requires even greater risk. There are NO guarantees in this life – but that does. not. mean. you. don’t. risk.

    As Dan Savage says, all relationships will come to an end (because we all die). The only way you EVER really know if you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone is when you die. Or they die. And then you can truly say “yep. Spent my whole life with ‘im.” Otherwise? Can. Never. Know.

    Risk anyway. Live for this moment. Now. Today. Not what you may or may not feel five years from now.

    But. If his hang-up is really just not being sure about *marriage as an institution* – than that’s something to deal with, AND something you shouldn’t take personally.

    All that being said – my parents were together 5 years before my mom said “that’s it. We are getting married or I am moving on” to which my dad said “but everything is great! Why fix something that ain’t broke?” to which my mom said “shut it, mister. Shit or get off the pot.”

    Thirty-some-odd years (and my mom reneging out of the blue on their agreement to not have kids at age 30 – “I’m having a baby. You can be part of that or not – your choice”…. I might take after my mom) later, they are still together, still BFFs, still in love.

    • thoughtsappear

      With Kiefer it’s all about the timing. Didn’t you do a post on that not too long ago? =)

      He always like, “Just give me a little more time.” I’m so pulling what your mom did this summer.

      • nikki04

        Oh… timing…

        I still think it’s possible to say “Hey, Sangria Thief. I really want to have an honest conversation about what YOU think about marriage and why YOU think you need more time. Leave my shit out of it, we already know where I stand – and because I am so clear, I think *our relationship* deserves to explore where you do… ”

        Maybe don’t ask to have it right then, but ask him to think about it and get back to you. In, like, the next week. Tell him he doesn’t need to have the answer… but, you know, in all relationships, I don’t think there is any reason not to think about why you aren’t on the same page, if you want to continue. You owe it to the other person, but you also owe it to yourself and your relationship. You really do. Any other answer is just being a weenie.

        Hang in there lady. These conversations can happen and they don’t have to be terrible. Tell him that too.

  • Kim Sisto Robinson

    ~~My suggestion…..Ask him if he is willing to go forward with marriage or something more…if not, you should think about what you want to do.
    I am sure there are many men out there who are looking for the same thing as you.
    Good Luck, 🙂 xxx

  • J

    Do you want marriage – the ceremony, the ring – or do you just want some kind of solid commitment? In my world, commitment is more important than marriage, because marriage is just an expensive ceremony where people get drunk.

    But after 3 years, you deserve a solid commitment. However that looks to you, you deserve it.

  • Thypolar

    So sorry you’re still sitting and waiting. I was hoping for a Valentine’s day proposal. For Kiefer’s sake, I’m going to say that I hope he plans on proposing on the 3 year anniversary date.

    Kiefer (if you are out there), don’t make Thoughts take her sangria back my friend. She’ll do it!

  • marinasleeps

    Ok this is what you do … you hijack him in your car … start talking all psychotic! Drive really fast and head for a well known cliff. He may start to freak out and thats good. This will help you and make him listen. Right as your about to dive off the cliff , break! Very important! Cause its ain’t worth dying for!
    Then tell him … life is to short! I love you, you love me. Lets do this.
    And if he still doesn’t get it… dive off the cliff.
    If you don’t have a car/the nerve/ a cliff/or I’m crazy I suggest you talk to him.
    Lay the down…somewhat.

  • Todd Pack

    Not going to give you any advice on this, but Sweetie and I dated for 3 years before I proposed, and we got married 7 months later. I’m not saying this will or should happen with you guys. I’m just saying.

  • Holly Herring

    My (small) opinion is to just speak to him about this, don’t have an ultimatum conversation but it’s better to take control and discuss it and come to a happy medium, than spend days or hours or months being sad or unhappy not feeling like you have what you want. (which generally splits people apart) That will probably just turn out to be time wasted, time wasted feeling blue when you could have everything you want just by talking about it and figuring things out. I’m sure with a nice conversation you can come to some arrangement, maybe it won’t be marriage but maybe it will be something else, maybe even better.
    Just don’t waste unnecessary time being unhappy when you can spend that time being happy with him instead.

    • thoughtsappear

      I feel like Kiefer and I have talked about this and talked about it, and now it’s pretty simple: he’s either going to ask me or he’s not.

      I know what you mean though…I don’t want to be unhappy, so it’s kinda just how long will it be until I’m tired of being unhappy or when the the sad days outnumber the happy ones.

      • Holly

        I always say it doesn’t matter how many times you keep at it, a point will come when you have enough (if that’s how it will be) you can’t beat yourself up for not getting there sooner, you can only ride it out until you can say “I did everything i could” “i gave it every chance” and then with peace of mind you can walk away.

        I truly hope though that he’s just shy and that it will happen for you guys, sooner rather than later (the getting hitched not falling out) x

  • Unabridged Girl

    Man. I would be tired, too. I have no sage advice, either. I wish I did. Except that it sounds like you need some awesomesauce ice cream.

  • Mandy

    Some good advice above (was eager to see your replies too lol but you must be just listening lol)

    Not sure how much you talk about your relatonship, but if you don’t talk about it much, he may have forgotten that you said you want a ring in 3 years (guys are like that what’s important to women isn’t always important to men).
    And agreeing with some of the above, maybe he’s afraid, he has had a relationship before that didn’t work obviously, and now he has kids to think of (that you clearly love, but loving them and making a marriage work is different).
    I think as most people do with life, jobs, study, hobbies etc you have to re assess what you want, why you want it and make sure you have people who know what you want, and can aid you along the way. Let him know you life wants/goals again.

    In saying that I have some friends who have been together for 13 years I think it is, they only just got married in 2009, why he just never asked her, he still didn’t end up asking her, she had a heap of time off work after her lap band surgery I think and she said to her partner well if I have to have all this time off I am going to plan our wedding, his response “ok you do that”
    That was it, she planned it, they got married. He never asked, neither did she, which I found weird.

    Whatever happens be true to yourself but also place yourself in his shoes (once he explains).

    Good Luck

    • thoughtsappear

      I am definitely more of a listener.

      Kiefer definitely didn’t forget about the 3-year mark. I remind him…constantly. =)

      13 years! WOW! A friend of mine got married after being with her boyfriend for 8 years. She finally just sent him an email with 3 rings and said, “Get me one of these.”

  • leashieloo

    This is a very timely post. My friend’s limit was 2 years, which last week. She pretty much put it all on the line and gave him an ultimatum: either they proceed to the next step or she’ll find someone who will. Well…she is now single and starting from scratch. She doesn’t regret it, though it hurts. It’s really difficult decision, no matter what you do. Maybe it’s time to have a talk? I’m not saying to sprinkle in threats like my friend did, but let him know how tired you are.

  • educlaytion

    I’m pretty sure I suck at relationship advice at this point even though my friends keep asking me, so I certainly won’t even try to help. What I can do is kill a zombie in your name and eat a Pop-Tart over it’s mangled corpse. So there’s that to look forward to.

  • The Flying Chalupa

    You know I feel your pain on this subject. And the funny thing about poor Kiefer is that if he’s hinted / joked about being engaged, then he’s thought about it.

    It’s time to figure out what you want and have the conversation. With no changing of the subject. You will feel so much better when this is hashed out – regardless of the outcome. Good luck my friend!

  • Aly

    I get this post. In fact, I could have written it a few years ago too. We were the same – together almost seven years and still no ring, and I was getting to the stage where I’d had enough. But then when it came down to the big choice: stay for the love, or leave because of no ring, I had already made my mind up – you don’t spend that long with someone for just ANY reason, y’know?

    And then, I shut up about things. And then, things happened. Weird how it works that way. No real advice but then.. you know I’ll be thinking of you.

  • hoodyhoo

    baby, the worst part about any relationship is OTHER PEOPLE and their snoopy, intrusive questions. If you and Kiefer love each other and are happy, fuck the world’s expectations… like they say on “Jersey Shore,” — “You do you.”

  • Angelia Sims Hardy

    The agony of two houses. The agony of being part of a family, but not quite. It is a grueling endurance.

    The situation takes very delicate balance. Your important milestones are fantastic. You have meshed so well with his kids and ex. Hoping you find the strength to get what you need to feel better.

  • Pauline

    It can feel forever waiting for that ring, but don’t worry, when the time is right he’ll propose!

    *Big hugs*

  • Stacey

    I know what I WANT to say, but it’s not necessarily what I NEED to say. And since I don’t really know all of the specifics of this, I’ll just say please do whatever is going to make you happiest in the long run.

    Lots of love and hugs.

  • The Hipster

    I only saw the title of this during a week when I couldn’t keep up with reading and writing. I assumed it was about your physical fitness test, until I saw today’s post and I thought, “Wow, so much emotion over push-ups?”
    I’m sorry to have appeared to ignore your pain. I hope the push-ups are working out. The rest will, too. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and a beautiful life will be yours.

  • vixter2010

    I feel for you, sounds tough. You’ve got some good suggestions here, talking it out is pro the best move but it’s so hard to lay your cards on the table like that. I hope you find a solution soon to make you happy, just remember he’s lucky to have you 🙂

  • The Cheeky Bride

    Completely understand. I finally gave an ultimatum, although I’m not sure that’s a great solution for everyone. Mine was just the type that didn’t like change so he’d wait to do anyyything. He needed that kick in the ass and I think he’s glad I gave it to him. Again – not saying an ultimatum is for everyone, but maybe bringing up the seriousness of how you feel and that you’re really contemplating whether it’s worth waiting around for him to get a clue will be just what he needs to see the light. Good luck, girl. Chin up and know that whatever you decide, it will be for the best. (Also – I can’t help but think of how ironic it would be if he proposed on your anniversary…what if that’s his plan?!)

  • Linda Medrano

    I’ve always tried to do the “six months” deal. After 6 months, if it’s not heating up, to me it’s cooling off. What I do that that point is try and concentrate on my own separate life. Now, I’ve been married 4 times, but that does not indicate that I’m good at this stuff, obviously. I think a woman or a man needs to level with their partner and tell them what they need. For women, we have a biological clock and we need to pay attention to it. If someone loves you, they want to give you what you need. Three years is a long time to be undecided Honey. It’s really a matter of finding someone who wants what you want. Don’t give anyone too much of your precious time if that’s not the case.

  • Life From the Trenches

    Does he read your blog? I know I’ve started to communicate to my husband through my blog — totally healthy, I know. Maybe this will be the kick in the butt he needs …

    Amy

  • Bonnie

    I’m wishing a very happy outcome for you on this. I’m a little over halfway in my 3-year wait. He’s got a gem, he’d best hold on to you tight. Hugs!

  • Britan

    Hi Thoughts! I was listening to the radio the other day when I heard about this infamous Glamour recipe and remembered this post about your engagement troubles. From what I’ve read, making “engagement chicken,” can seriously speed up the process. I know you’re hitting a wall, so why not try out a new recipe…even if it’s just for fun? Here’s the link!http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2006/07/engagement-chicken

    • thoughtsappear

      When I first read your comment, I thought “Chicken? I only make things that fall into the dessert category.” But I think I can handle this one. I’ll try it out and see how it goes!

      Thanks for thinking of me!

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