Dear Scarlett Johansson,
Thank you. Thank you very much for looking the way you did at the Academy Awards last night.
You see, Kiefer has a small crush on you. In fact, you’re on his list of top 5 hottest actresses.
Wait…don’t get too flattered about being on his list. His list also includes Pink. Which makes me seriously question his taste.
Up until last night, I’ve been unable to see you without the green-eyed monster, Jealousy, rearing its ugly head.
Moments like this may have occasionally taken place:
Kiefer and I will be cuddling watching a movie. Suddenly you come on screen, and I slide to the far, far end of the couch.
Me: Don’t touch me.
Me: Your other girlfriend is here. Quick change the channel! Ugh, it’s too late. I think I just threw up a little.
But last night…last night changed everything. No, it wasn’t your dress. I liked the color, but I’m pretty sure I could see your undies (and I wasn’t the only one).
But hey, I admit I’m not always a fan of what’s stylish. So no judgment there. (Well, a little judgment.)
There is one thing that I have on you.
Although you may be prettier than me, at least I know how to use a brush.
PS: Maybe we can team up against Charlize Theron and Halle Berry to knock them off Kiefer’s list?