Babies and Boobies

A coworker stopped by work the other day with her 1-month-old baby boy.

Everyone, all together now: “Awwwwww….”

He was so tiny. And his little feet! Oh my god, I love me some baby feet.

Coworker: Do you want to hold him?

Me: No.

Coworker (and maybe you): ::look of confusion::

Me: I mean, I do want to hold him, but it’s safer for everyone if I don’t hold him.

Babies are adorable. I love babies. When they are not stinky. And when they’re not crying.

This particular baby was not stinky and was not crying, so why didn’t I want to hold him?

  1. He might have started to cry the minute he was handed to me.
  2. I have no idea how to hand off the baby: receiving or giving.
  3. I might hold him “wrong.” (I know to support the head, but is that it?)

Obviously, I will be a horrible mother: “I can’t have anything to do with the baby because I’ll do something wrong!”

At the very least, I’ll be outed as a horrible holder of babies. And I prefer to be a closeted horrible holder of babies until I can get some practice.

Anyways, I nodded at the baby and said, “Sup.” Then I watched the baby pass right by me to into the arms of another coworker. And as he settled into her arms, his little hands reached out for the coworker’s boobs.


And what do you say? “Excuse me, but your son is grabbing my boobs.”

Another reason not to hold babies. They have no sense of personal space or good and bad touches.

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

35 responses to “Babies and Boobies

  • Todd Pack

    Handing off a baby is awkward, but everyone knows it, and no one cares. If you’re really nervous about it, sit down and let someone hand you the baby. Then, the onus is on them. (That’s right, I said “onus.”)

  • Denise

    aww. don’t worry – everyone is afraid they will break the kid when they first get to hold them but that wears off.You’ll be surprised how easy it comes to you when it is your own baby. Maybe you should practice with Esme at home alone if that makes you feel better.
    And boys in general have no concept of personal space. My 7 year old grabs mine all the time and I didn’t even nurse him more than 2 weeks as a baby. He’s just a breast boy.

  • 36x37

    You know, Thoughts, if it makes you feel better, I’m scared to death to hold other people’s babies. I never wanted to put down my own. But other people’s kids? You’re right, it can be awkward.

  • educlaytion

    Speaking of boobs and the baby handoff, that’s a tough thing for a guy to navigate. It’s almost impossible to get the proper baby head cradle without feeling up the new mom. But in general, I also tend to pass on holding the new ones because, I don’t know, something will likely go wrong.

  • Hippie Cahier

    I know you will be a wonderful mother, so let’s just set that right aside, missy.
    Tee-hee. Todd said “onus.”

  • Zahara

    I’m with Hippie, you’ll be/you are a great mom. Baby handling can be learned!

  • mescribe

    You get in early with the spanking and you’ll be surprised how quickly the little tigers will learn. Pinkie-swear.

  • Bonnie

    One month old and already grabbing the goods? Okay ladies, we’ve got ourselves a live one here! 🙂 And remember what I told you yesterday about 20+ years making your mothering skills null and void? The same goes with baby-handling. I would have no idea how to hold a baby in this day and time… I’ve all but convinced myself it most certainly has changed since ‘then’. That said, something tells me you’ll do just fine.

  • Ashley

    I think it’s assumed that every woman on Earth wants to hold a baby. And while that may be the case for most, it’s not for me. Not because I’m afraid. I just don’t want to. I hope that will change when/if I become a mother because if not, well.. that’ll suck.

  • Karin

    I was grabbed a lot by the boobs or turned to for nursing when I was a nanny. It never grows out of the awkward stage at all!

  • Samantha Turnbull

    I love babies, but I swear, every single time I hold one, the thing starts crying. Actually that’s not true. If it doesn’t cry, then it poops. Not fun

  • TheIdiotSpeaketh

    That little hound is getting an early start! Going for the boobs already huh? 🙂

  • LBB

    You know, after a few drinks, we revert back to baby-dom.

  • leafprobably

    Hehe, I always refuse to hold people’s babies too. I’m totally uncomfortable around kidlets, and they know it – so they pretty much always start crying.

    I think it’s a case of the babies sensing my fear.

  • omawarisan

    Where do you go once onus is out there?

    You’ll be fine at holding them when its time to be fine at holding them. I can tell you that they dont like to dance right after they eat.

  • Melissa

    I think it’s only us non-mothers who think babies are fragile and prone to freak accidental deaths. The real mothers I know have made it clear to me that I probably can’t crush the life out of their child in a mere couple of minutes. And I think most kids get dropped at least once…

  • unabridgedgirl

    I bet you’re going to be a faaaabulous mom! XD I was holding a co-worker’s baby once, and he tried reaching DOWN my shirt. Yeah….now THAT was awkward. LoL Thank you so much, btw, for the wonderful card. It really cheered me up.


  • Classic

    Oh, come now! My mom has told me time and again that when I came into the world she didn’t know squat still about being a mom, and I didn’t turn out too bad. You’ll be a great one, I’m sure of it 😀

  • Thypolar

    Lol 😉 no worries. Having your own is a completely different experience. If a one month old isn’t grabbing boobs, that’s when you start to worry.

  • hoodyhoo

    why do they always assume I want to hold their baby? If they got a new purse, or new shoes, or what have you, they wouldn’t be up in my face to hold those! And they act real weird when you ask!

  • suzicate

    Babies do tend to be boobie grabbers, but so much more awkward if they are nursed babies and they snuggle up on you for a drink!

  • Lorraine

    When my sister got pregnant, one of nieces had a hard time understanding the concept. So whenever you’d ask her where the baby was, she’d run up to my sister and start rubbing her boobs and saying, “baaaaby. baaaaaby.”

    Needless to say, we’d always ask her where the baby was and sit back and laugh, and laugh as my sister got groped by a baby.

  • Cities of the Mind

    The most important thing to remember about babies–in terms of conquering related nervous reactions–is that they are a renewable resource.

  • Angela Noelle

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. One of my friends recently held a baby, and I got to hold her when she was just a day old. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, but I’m actually starting to feel kind of like a pro! It’s amazing watching the experienced parents just slinging those babies around like a sack of flour. I stand in awe of their baby-wrangling abilities.

  • thedailydish

    LOL!! This is so funny & true. Before I had kids I’d barely even held a baby — well, technically back when I was 13 and babysitting I HAD, but not for a looong time. then BLAMMO. I have my own baby – and boy is that strange. Learning how to hold one, when you’re terrified you’re going to drop it, etc. But after the first few weeks it’s like a new car, and you’re eating in the front seat while driving, and leaving your trash on the floor, and totally wiping your feet all over the floor mats. But I digress.. I understand what you’re saying w/ regard to not wanting to hold a baby. It’s a lot of pressure.

    PS: When I had my first baby and took her into work to show her off for the first time.. my office mate announced to everyone that my boobs were “lopsided.” How’s THAT for awkward?!

  • Catherine

    There is no requirement that you hold someone’s baby! I hate that question – do you want hold her/him? No, thank you. IF I wanted to, I would have asked, thank you very much. How about you hold your own baby? You are the one who went and got pregnant, now you are trying to get me to do your work? Haha, clearly I know this is not why they are asking. I’m just generally not that comfortable with holding someone else’s baby. If I wouldn’t drive your car, I don’t want to hold your baby. It’s that simple.

    BUT – – I believe that you will be a great mother and get the hang of it. I think it just happens organically. People didn’t have parenting classes and books on every little detail of how to be a good mother back in the stone age. And miraculously, the human race has persisted. You will be completely fine. Just promise me that you won’t become one of those women who asks anyone and everyone if they want to hold your baby!

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