Dear Vending Machine Man,
First off, let me thank you for stocking our vending machine with delicious treats, such as Snickers and Kit Kats.
I especially appreciate the healthy option of Peanut M&Ms. (Yes, I consider the Peanut M&Ms a healthy snack.)
The new Butterscotch Krimpets were a pleasant surprise. (No, that wasn’t me you saw sucking the crack-infused icing off the plastic wrap.)
Not often do I opt for a salty snack, but I appreciate the constant stream of Doritos. However, in my experience (and it is vast), the chips tend to get stuck frequently.
But that’s not my concern today. Today I have a bigger concern.
The other morning I came to work without my Pop-Tart. Shocking, I know.
After a moment of panicking in the fetal position, I managed to roll myself down the hallway to the sugar and salt vault, known to you as the vending machine.
Thankfully, Pop-Tarts were inside. I inserted my dollar and pressed B7.
As the silver swirl began to twirl, I began clawing at the glass. As the Pop-Tarts began to fall, I squashed my face against the glass to get a better look.
I swear I could smell the Pop-Tarts through the glass. They must have know their fate because I smelled Strawberry Frosted Fear.
In a flash, I plunged my hand into the sugar and salt vault’s opening and pulled out my Pop-Tarts. I tore open the package to ravage the tasty treat right then and there.
I swear what happened next was in slow motion.
As I tore open the package, crumbly Pop-Tart bits fell to the floor.
“NOOOOOOOOOO,” I screamed as I dropped to my knees and tore at my hair.
My Pop-Tarts…bruised…broken…now covered the floor. What to do? I immediately picked up the larger chunks and shoved them into my mouth. Through my chipmunk-chomping cheeks, I chanted, “5-second rule! 5-second rule!”
But tiny pastry crumbs still covered the floor. It had been longer than 5-seconds. Now what?
I did what any sane human being would have done. I snorted those crumbs off the floor. I couldn’t lick it up…the floor was dirty.
Don’t judge me.
This entire situation could have easily been avoided if you had placed the Pop-Tarts closer to the bottom of the machine.
Thank you for your attention in this matter,
PS: Another option would be to place a pillow in the bottom of the machine to soften the drop. Just an idea.