A Letter About the Sugar and Salt Vault

Dear Vending Machine Man,

First off, let me thank you for stocking our vending machine with delicious  treats, such as Snickers and Kit Kats.

I especially appreciate the healthy option of Peanut M&Ms. (Yes, I consider the Peanut M&Ms a healthy snack.)

The new Butterscotch Krimpets were a pleasant surprise. (No, that wasn’t me you saw sucking the crack-infused icing off the plastic wrap.)

Not often do I opt for a salty snack, but I appreciate the constant stream of Doritos. However, in my experience (and it is vast), the chips tend to get stuck frequently.

But that’s not my concern today. Today I have a bigger concern.

Pop-Tart Placement

 The other morning I came to work without my Pop-Tart. Shocking, I know.

 After a moment of panicking in the fetal position, I managed to roll myself down the hallway to the sugar and salt vault, known to you as the vending machine. 

Thankfully, Pop-Tarts were inside. I inserted my dollar and pressed B7.

As the silver swirl began to twirl, I began clawing at the glass. As the Pop-Tarts began to fall, I squashed my face against the glass to get a better look.

I swear I could smell the Pop-Tarts through the glass. They must have know their fate because I smelled Strawberry Frosted Fear.

 In a flash, I plunged my hand into the sugar and salt vault’s opening and pulled out my Pop-Tarts. I tore open the package to ravage the tasty treat right then and there.

I swear what happened next was in slow motion.

As I tore open the package, crumbly Pop-Tart bits fell to the floor.

 “NOOOOOOOOOO,” I screamed as I dropped to my knees and tore at my hair.

My Pop-Tarts…bruised…broken…now covered the floor. What to do? I immediately picked up the larger chunks and shoved them into my mouth. Through my chipmunk-chomping cheeks, I chanted, “5-second rule! 5-second rule!”

But tiny pastry crumbs still covered the floor. It had been longer than 5-seconds. Now what?

I did what any sane human being would have done. I snorted those crumbs off the floor. I couldn’t lick it up…the floor was dirty.

Don’t judge me.

This entire situation could have easily been avoided if you had placed the Pop-Tarts closer to the bottom of the machine.

Thank you for your attention in this matter,

Thoughts Appear

PS: Another option would be to place a pillow in the bottom of the machine to soften the drop. Just an idea.

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

43 responses to “A Letter About the Sugar and Salt Vault

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