How to Drop 5 Pounds in 5 Minutes

Up and at ’em!

This morning I woke up before the butt crack of dawn to join a friend who is doing Operation Boot Camp.

Here’s the summary:

4:30 AM: Why is the alarm going off? I don’t have work today.

4:35 AM: Oh…yeah…Boot camp.

4:45 AM: I should get up. Maybe if I think really hard about it. My clothes will magically appear on my body.

4:50 AM: Esme, who is curled up between my knees, gives me a look that says, “What the hell are you doing up?”

At 5:30 AM I was outside…in the cold…breathing warm air up my sleeves, and wondering if they’ll be handing out free Pop-Tarts as part of the work-out.

5:40 AM: We start jogging (without Pop-Tarts). Up hill. If this is the warm-up, I’m going to drop dead 10 minutes into the actual work-out.

5:50 AM: The leader says, “Take a seat.” I say, “Thank god!” and plop my butt onto the cold cement. Then I realize that “Take a seat” means do a squat. Crap.

5:55 AM: We head over to the obstacle course with cones, ropes, and rings. Rings of fire. True story. I swear.

6:00 AM: After running the obstacle course (rabid dogs chase you and nip at your heels), we do push-ups. Hands (and knees for me) on the cold, frosty grass.

6:05 AM: Obstacle course. Run through the course while holding up not only my pants but my panties as well. Weight loss achieved!

6:10 AM: Push-ups. And crunches. At this point I’m pretty dirty from laying on the ground.

6:15 AM: Run the obstacle course while trying to brush the grass off my butt and back.

6:20 AM: Push-ups. And crunches. And lunges. Dirty, again.

6:25 AM: Obstacle course. My pants were around my knees at this point, but who cares? I enjoyed the breeze.

6:30 AM: Crunches with your feet straight up in the air. The instructor said, “Nice job,” but I think he really meant “Nice butt.” My butt is pretty glorious.

Or maybe he meant “Nice job making it this long. I was sure you were going to crawl through the obstacle course that last time.”

6:35 AM: Obstacle course and then more running.

6:40 AM: Cool down and stretching.

6:45 AM: Collapse.

Getting back to my house is all a blur. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go lay down. Can’t…type…any…more. My back aches, my abs ache, and it…hurts…to…breathe.

Anyone willing to feed me Pop-Tarts for the rest of the day? They’re too heavy to lift.


About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

27 responses to “How to Drop 5 Pounds in 5 Minutes

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