At work I received an email with “Active Shooter Awareness” in the subject. I immediately screamed, “NOOOOO! I’m too young to die!” and dived under my desk.
Unfortunately, I’d left my Pop-Tart on top of the desk. Did I dare reach for it?
After a few minutes of silence (not gunfire), I climbed itoln my chair to nimble on my Pop-Tart and read the email. Apparently, a shooter was not roaming around, but the email did contain a slide presentation with some tips in case of a shooter in the future.
Hmmm…do they know something I don’t know? Please define “future.” Like in the next 10 minutes?
Anyways, I’m going to share a few helpful tips with you, just in case something happens to me…in the next 10 minutes.
Identifying Potential Shooters: Be on the lookout for people in stressful situations.
People in stressful situations. One coworker seems pretty stressed about his TPS reports. The other seems stressed about his stapler. I am stressed about choosing which flavor Pop-Tart to eat this morning. Oh…my…god…I could be the shooter.
Another way to identify a shooter: They have a gun.
The Shooter’s Weapons: The shooter may have more than one weapon, or the shooter may have explosives or booby traps.
Hehe…You said “booby.” Unless you’re that Goonies kid. Then you said “Booty.” Either way it’s funny.
Avoiding the Shooter Outside: Do not run in a straight line.
If you’re outside, you should hide behind something. Preferably something that will stop a bullet.
But if you’re in an open area, either play dead or run. Don’t run in a straight line. I’d choose to play dead because running in a zig-zag formation seems like something Will Ferrell would do in a movie.
The Last Resort: If you have no other options, rush the shooter.
Ideally, you should rush the shooter with a group of people. He can’t get all of you. Right? Riiiiight? You may want to get everyone riled up, yell “Charge!” and then hang back.
When rushing the shooter, you should use improvised weapons. The slide presentation showed a woman holding a giant paper cutter over her head. Why not rip that blade off? Instant machete.
My weapon of choice is going to be push pins I shoot through a straw.