If Plants Attack…Stay Away From Me

This weekend I watched The Happening. Not impressed. I like some of the M. Night Shyalaman movies, especially Unbreakable and Signs, but this one not so much.

However, it did make me think. If plants one day decide to retaliate, I’ll be the first one to die.

Why? Because much like my feelings towards birds, I don’t like plants.

Sure, I think flowers are pretty, but I prefer cuddly things, like my cat. Plus she shows her appreciation and love by scratching me and waking me up at 3:30 in the morning.

Years ago, my parents asked me to water their flowers while they were on vacation.

  • Day 1: Forgot.
  • Day 2: Forgot.
  • Day 3: My mom calls me to remind me to water the flowers. I don’t.
  • Day 4: Forgot.
  • Day 5: My mom calls me to tell me they’ll be home the in two days. I start to consider watering the flowers.
  • Day 6: I finally water the flowers.
  • Day 7: My parents come home, and my mom asks, “Did you remember to water the flowers?” Yes. Yes, I did.

Kiefer knows better than to ask me to water his plants—probably because I told him the story above. When he came back from Africa, he said, “I hope my plants are ok.”

My response: “You have plants?”

In conclusion, plants hate me and with good reason. So if plants decide to annihilate humans, I’ll be their first target. So you may want to keep a safe distance.

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

30 responses to “If Plants Attack…Stay Away From Me

  • Marliz3e

    Lol, I have the same problem!! =]

  • Olivia

    Well, although I am not from the same bracket but can co- relate with your thoughts… LOL
    You don’t cease to amaze with your choice of words..
    I would link your site in my Blogroll- can I??

    Cheers..!!

  • HippieCahier

    I am a self-described herbicidal maniac. In college, I killed a cactus. I’m not particularly proud to admit that, but I feel better.

    My only consolation is that I managed to get two humans to adult-hood relatively unscathed.

    You might not want to watch Little Shop of Horrors. I’m just sayin’.

    • thoughtsappear

      I’m completely in awe of plant people. I wish I could do it.

      Humans are definitely harder. Congrats on 2! Maybe I should try practicing with plants.

      I think the singing in Little Shop counteracts the plant horrors.

      • Denise

        no, humans are easier – my husband always said that it is a good thing the baby cried when he was hungry or I would have killed him too. If a plant cried then it might have a fighting chance in my house. I’m great with outdoor plants but indoor plants are just too needy, moody and unpredictable.

    • Denise

      lol. I thought I was the only one capabale of killing a cactus. I was stopping by to share that story exactly. How was I supposed to know that a cactus would die in the snow???

  • Rokusan

    I’m in line right behind you. One year in school ~ 3rd grade, maybe, back before the earth was cool ~ we made planters and the teacher gave us “indestructible” plants for them. I learned mortification early on ~ out of all the 30 some plants lined up on the window sills, only mine died.

    As for birds… I like watching geese flying (way, way) overhead toward the south in the winter, but THAT’S IT! Okay, a cardinal in a tree in the snow is pretty, BUT THAT’S IT! And, alright fine, I like seeing the first robins in the springtime, BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY IT! I would be happy if birds would all go the way of the dinosaur except they help the environment blah blah blah blah……..

  • livingdilbert

    As often is the case, thank you for a very good laugh this morning. Damn, girl…you are funny!

  • Abby

    LOL! I always forget to water plants, too.

  • letmestartbysaying

    Whenever she sees me in the flower beds, my neighbor across the street actually walks over, takes the shears out of my hands and prevents whatever botanical homicide I’m about to commit. She even put me in her minivan one day, drove me to the flower store, told me what to buy for the pots outside my side door, and showed me how to plant them and keep them alive. And whenever I go near them, she BOLTS out her front door into my yard and prunes them herself, knowing what I am capable of.
    She alone may save me from something like The Happening.
    Some day I should post pics of our “landscaping”. 🙂 Its really obvious where my gifts don’t lie.

  • suzieashby

    I absolutely love this. I am the same way. The poor things only get dusted when I am expecting company, which is not very often being up here in the mountains. That tree picture is the best! You are so much fun!

  • Liana

    Lol! I’m the same…and I feel guilty because I read this theory in The Intention Experiment about how plants are cognizant.
    So now I imagine resentful bristling when I (eventually) water the plants, on my mom’s instructions.

  • Denise

    I now have visions of you being chased by the attacking apple-throwing trees in the Wizard of Oz. haha

  • confessionsofacollegegraduate

    I can totally relate! For something that’s not a pet, plants are definitely too time-consuming and intense for me, especially since you don’t really *get* anything out of them. But birds are def scary. And gross. So I guess if I had to pick between the two, I would probably opt to kill the plant of dehydration instead of risk getting crapped on or attacked by the bird and ending up with some weird disease.

  • leashieloo

    LMAO! I feel ya on the plants, I’m not too good keeping them alive. I’m slowly torturing a hanging plant on my porch. Sometimes I water, mostly I don’t. I’ll have to join your alliance when the plants decide to uprise.

  • redriverpak

    Yikes! The wife put me in charge of having someone water our outside plants and flowers while we are gone and I completely forgot! I am screwed! Royally screwed!

  • Fuzzy Logic

    The movie was okay. Though I really did like the idea behind it. Signs was brilliant, yes!

  • Pammy Girl

    My mom owns several plants she received as gifts when my brother was born. He’s 26. Yup… the woman has turned her kitchen into a nursery. Me, on the other hand… well, I’m a plant killer. Over water, under water, too much sunlight, not enough sunlight. I have a bunch of fake ones because I don’t like my house smelling like compost.

    • thoughtsappear

      I’m with you on the over watering and underwatering.

      Those are some old plants your mom has. My dad planted the little pine trees I brought home in elementary school for Earth Day. Still alive and well…only because I had nothing to do with them.

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