It’s a nice day outside. The sun is shining, and the birds are singing and chirping, and I’m sitting inside terrified.
Because I hate birds. And birds hate me. At least the feeling is mutual.
Where did this strong feeling come from? They started it. Long ago they all held a meeting and decided to wage war on me. A war spanning over a quarter century, and the war isn’t ending any time soon.
Battle #1: When I was just a wee girl, I went to the park with my grandmother. I got to play on the swing set and feed the ducks, geese, and swans.
Swans: graceful, elegant, and mean. When I tried to feed a black swan, it started to chase me. Imagine a tiny little girl running around the park, a black swan nipping at her heels. Finally, a tiny shaking me managed to squeeze between my grandmother’s legs, and the swan called off the chase. Thoughtsy 0, Birds 1.
Battle #2: At a petting zoo, an ostrich bit my finger. Thoughtsy 0, Birds 2.
Battle #3: I surprised a Blue Jay when I ran around the corner of my house. Startled, it flew right at me and its wing smacked my face. Thoughtsy 0, Birds 3.
Battle #4: In elementary school a friend lived on a farm. The rooster constantly chased me. Thoughtsy 0, Birds 4.
Battle #5: My brother and I stumbled upon some turkeys in the woods. We charged, but they flew away. Who knew turkeys could fly? They look too awkward to fly. Thoughtsy 0, Birds 5.
Battle #6: In middle school a crazy territorial grouse used to dive bomb my dad’s car and chase my brother and I up the driveway. Dad “took care” of him. Thoughtsy (via Dad) 1, Birds 5.
Battle #7: Finally the tables turned. On the way to the beach, a bird attempts to dive bomb my car kamikaze style. Thoughtsy (via car) 2, Birds 5.
Battles #8, 9, and 10: I washed my car, and within minutes, birds used it as their own personal potty. Thoughtsy 2, Birds 8+.
To this day, when Kiefer Sutherland and I, or Blarney and I, go for a walk around the park, I always slow down and swing wide when we pass the ducks. I’ve even been known to change sides so Kiefer is inbetween me and the ducks. Sometimes he changes sides for me. A man who will put himself between me and a duck…that’s love.
I’m watching you, ducks. I’m watching you….