I Said “Just a Bite”

Homonyms: Words with the same pronunciation but different meanings.

Me: Maybe we should watch an adult movie tonight.

Kiefer: What? ::realizing I’ve never suggested watching an “adult movie”:: Really?

Me: Yeah. Like a noncartoon movie since the boys aren’t here.

Kiefer: Oh….

This homonym meant disappointment for Kiefer.

—

Synonyms: Different words with similar meanings.

Me: May I have a bit of your cotton candy bar?

Kiefer: Sure. You can have a bite.

This synonym meant disappointment for me. Because, to me, a “bit” means “half.”

PS: I have 3 words for you concerning cotton candy bars’ tastiness: Cotton. Candy. Crack.

Favorite Comments From Previous Post:

• “What kind of cheap date is a canoe ride in a polluted lake? Where’s the yacht, with the champagne and cheese and strawberries? I’m pretty sure this dream is warning you to keep your standards high.”—Queen Gen
• “Dreaming of Cee Lo and otters has a really interesting interpretation. It means you were a mermaid in a previous life and sort of promiscuous. Shocking, I know.”—Linda Medrano

Sometimes Mermaids Have Pumpkin Heads

When I was younger, I loved the movie Mermaids. I think I loved it because…

• Who doesn’t like mermaids?
• The 3 main female characters were brunettes. I’m a brunette. Finally! Sorry, blondies.
• Cher is in the movie and on the soundtrack.
• That caretaker guy was cute.

After rewatching the movie as an adult, here’s what I learned:

• You are allowed to be mad when your boss takes his wife on a trip instead of you, his mistress.
• Death is dwelling in the past or staying in one place too long.
• Cher thinks Bob Hoskins is sexy.
• Never have sex on sacred ground. Having sex in the bell tower is not a loophole and still counts as ”sacred ground.”
• Putting a pumpkin on your child’s head is funny…especially when she falls over.
  

  The Original Pumpkinhead

Most importantly, kissing a guy will not get you pregnant. Phew….

32

32 is my magical childbearing age. I can feel it in my bones uterus.

Why 32? Because like mother, like daughter.

No, my mom didn’t have me when she was 32. She had me when she was 27, just before turning 28.

But my parents had been trying to get pregnant for about a year before I was conceived. Ask any couple who’s been trying to conceive for a year. I bet they’ll tell you it was the longest year of their life.

But the strongest driving force behind the age of 32 is the knowledge that my mom began menopause around age 37.

37.

I’m almost 31. 37 is just around the corner.

And although the prospect of a cramp-free existence is exhilirating, the idea of not being able to have a child terrifies me.

So 32 is my age. At 32, married or not, I’ll be putting my savings towards the turkey baster method. Or I’ll just become a turbo-slut until I’m pregnant.

I haven’t decided which route to take yet. I’m leaning towards the disease-free-turkey-baster route.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “What are these pants you speak of?—Inurbase

Scariest Comment From Last Post: Peg-o-Leg’s comment, which you can read here.

You Think You Know the Story

What do zombies, stoners, and unicorns have in common? They’re all in the movie The Cabin in the Woods.

Here’s the plot: Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. Bad things happen. And then…

What do you think happens next? Well…you’re wrong.

Unless you were thinking, Someone uses a coffee mug bong to kill the bad guys. Then you’re right.

The Cabin in the Woods is not just a horror movie. It’s a horror/comedy/sci fi/maybe even parody movie. Which is even better than a horror movie.

I’ve never done a Movies Teach Us on a movie in the theater because it’s hard to take notes while shoveling candy into my mouth in the dark, but here’s what I learned:

• Never trust the gas station attendant. Do the opposite of whatever he says.
• When someone says you’re not on speaker phone, you are.
• The stoner is not paranoid.
• Whores always die first.
• Thor is hot when he’s not a spoiled brat. I’m retracting my previous statement concerning his hotness. He’s now a Cabana Boy candidate.
• Hard-ons are also known as “husband bulges.”
• Unicorns are not your friend.
• Mermen do not look like they do in The Little Mermaid.

Most importantly, I learned that girls who run around in t-shirts and undies are in a horror movie.

 Oh…my…god…I hardly ever wear pants. I wonder if my life is a horror movie. ::looks around for cameras, zombies, and crazed killers::

Daddy Mac Will Make Ya…

When I write a Movies Teach Us post, I usually don’t tell you what I thought of the movie. 

But today I will tell you: Friends With Benefits was hilarious. Watch it. Right now. Take a sick day. I’ll write a note excusing you from work.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• George Clooney is universally known as someone who has emotionally shut down.
• Liking Harry Potter does not make you gay.
• Don’t pick the person you want to spend Friday night with but the person you want to be with Saturday morning.
  

  Never fall asleep....

• “Strictily dickily” may be the funniest phrase ever…especially coming from Woody Harrelson.

But there were a couple things that I think the movie got wrong. For example…

• Missing John Mayer’s performance of “Your Body Is a Wonderland” is equivalent to someone crapping on your face. (::shudder::)
• Friends with benefits don’t need to shut the bathroom door to pee.

Most importantly, I learned that Justin Timberlake and I both know the words to Kriss Kross’s “Jump.”

And everything is to the back with a little slack. ‘Cause inside-out is wiggity, wiggity, wiggity wack!