He’s Just Not That Into You

Just a couple more posts and then you’ll be all caught up in the Kiefer and Thoughtsy Make Up Saga….

Mere days after Kiefer and I broke up, I moved He’s Just Not That Into You into my Netflix queue. I needed some support, and damn it, Netflix was gonna give it to me.

Here a few tips I learned from the movie:

• If he doesn’t call you, he’s just not that into you.
• If a girl asks you to massage her feet but doesn’t have sex with you, she’s just not that into you.
• If someone cheats on you, it’s not your fault.
• You…yes, you…are the rule. Not the exception.

So, of course, I related to Jennifer Aniston’s and Ben Affleck’s characters. If you’ve never seen the movie, they’ve been together for 7 years, but Ben doesn’t believe in marriage.

Finally, Jennifer comes right out with it:

You know me. You know who I am. You either wanna marry me or you don’t.

She asks the question that she’s held back because she’s afraid. Afraid of demanding or clingy accusations:

Are you ever gonna marry me?

There’s a long pause.

I know from Kiefer and Mephistopheles that long pauses mean you’re not going to hear the answer you want.

And then she leaves him.

Of course, because it’s a movie, Aniston realizes Affleck was supporting her more than some husbands ever do for  their wives, and Affleck realizes he loves Aniston so much that he’ll do anything to make her happy: even marrying her.

Le sigh. That’s Hollywood for you. Always a happy ending.

(::Insert Carrie Bradshaw moment::) I couldn’t help but wonder…if Kiefer would miss me so much that he would want to marry me.

So I guess what I’m saying is…I’m highly impressionable.

If Kiefer and I don’t make it, I’m blaming the movie. If we can blame the movies for violence, we can also blame movies for my love life.

In Football Vampires Are the Shirts and Werewolves Are the Skins

Thank you to everyone who voted on The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn.

Like me, most of you were only interested in cabana boys, but some of you thought I should rewatch New Moon and Eclipse and take notes for Movies Teach Us.

After watching the movies, I noticed that all of my notes fit into two categories: Bella Is Stupid and Sex.

Sex

• According to Bella’s dad, sex today is not the same as it was 10 years ago.
• Sometimes guys actually say, “Stop trying  to take your clothes off.”

 These two movies are where Jacob really enters the picture to make a love triangle, so part of this list is a Jacob vs. Edward list.

Bella Is Stupid

• In about 2 minutes, Edward asks Bella to marry him 3 times. W.T.F. Just say “yes!”
• Jacob has abs, pecs, and a motorcycle. Edward is skinny and pale.
• Jacob can serve as your very own personal heater in the winter.
• Edward sparkles.
• Bella hops on a motorcycle with a complete stranger.
• No one is that clumsy. Pay attention, Bella.
• Bella drives a motorcycle without a helmet.
  

  This picture is my Christmas present to you. You're welcome.

 

The most important lesson I learned is that werewolves are truly magical. When they transform, where do their shorts and sneakers go? They just disappear and then reappear.

That, my blog friends, is talent. Talent that every cabana boy needs.

A Guest Post From My Blog Wife

I’d like to introduce you to my blog wife, Mrs. Amy Thoughts Appear. Or is it Ms.? Or Amy Fix-It-Or-Deal-Appear? Craaaaap. We didn’t discuss how Amy felt about changing her name. Or maybe I should change my name?

Let’s just stick with Amy at Fix It or Deal.

I can’t tell you how happy I was when I got the email from Thoughtsy letting me know that she had chosen me as her blog wife. Seriously, I can’t tell you. I got a reputation to keep, ya know. Anyway, let’s just say that I was “overly pleased,” and I may have needed a tissue.

We’re quite perfect for each other. I like zombies; she likes zombies. I like movies; she likes movies. I like cupcakes; she bakes cupcakes. It’s a match made in cyberspace.

So, what’s the best way for me to express my devotion to my new blog wife? With an homage, of course.

Without further ado, I present: What Thoughts Appear’s Blog Has Taught Me

• Pop-Tarts have a very loyal following, and flavor preferences are a very personal thing.
• If you pay close enough attention, you can learn something from any movie. Even one about arctic Nazi zombies.
• Florida has an amazing wolf sanctuary where the wolves will walk right up and sit on your lap. (And I experienced it for myself!)
• There is such as thing as “fake pants.”
• The US Army Physical Fitness Test is something that I never, ever want to attempt and push-ups are from the devil.
• If you eat something that is amazingly tasty, it probably has crack in it.
• There are a lot more steps to riding a mechanical bull than I ever imagined possible.
• David Zincenko is quite possibly the most miserable man on the planet and really, truly just needs to eat a funnel cake and live a little. Just do it, David. You know you wanna.

Many thanks to my blog wife for letting me take over her blog for a day. But, I guess what’s yours is mine now, right? Except your Pop-Tarts. I would never take those. It’s always good to know your boundaries in a marriage.

Amy, I will totally share my Pop-Tarts with you. That’s why they come in a 2-pack…for sharing.

#2. Do Something Awesome for My 30th Birthday

So what did I do that was awesome for my 30th Birthday?

• Went to Baltimore to see my favorite band.
• Invited my friends to a birthday party with cupcakes, a candy buffet, glow sticks, and tons of Christmas lights.

What didn’t I do?

• Didn’t have a hangover the day after the party.

Here are a few pics.

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30 Before 30 List complete.

#24. Introducing My Blog Spouse

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I’d like to introduce you to my blog spouse.

But first, a big thank you to everyone who proposed on Friday’s post Will You Marry My Blog?

It was a tough decision. So I brought in The Hipster to consult. It’s always good to get a second opinion.

Here are just a few of the proposals:

• Holly had a lot to offer: Pop-Tarts every day, candy, adopting an animal together, candy, and even searching for Pete the Penguin. Did I mention she had candy?
• FnkyBee got down on one knee (very romantic), threw in the you-complete-me Jerry Maguire quote, offered me  bread twistie tie (very practical), and then said she’d “love me long time.” (At least it won’t be a sexless marriage.)
• Nikita, with big puppy dog eyes, almost got me with her promise to play with Esme.
• Marina, I was all yours until you said “prenup.”
• Spinny offered a new Pop-Tart ring every morning…Yum!
• BlissfulBritt offered Pop-Tarts and kittens. Sweetness and cuteness!

But one person’s proposal won me over. She said, “I promise…”

• To love, honor, and obey…
• To never make you shave your legs…
• To never steal your sangria.

And last but not least, she offered me a Pop-Tart ring. And since just the other week, I bought my blog-spouse-to-be a Pop-Tart engagement ring, I knew Amy was a perfect match.

Amy-Zombie-Princess-Leia, I would to be your blog wife. Thank you for helping me complete my 30 Before 30 List!

PS: Can we have a zombie wedding?