Salmonella: The Biggest Conspiracy Ever

Time to test your knowledge. Are the following items real or made up?

• Aliens
• Bigfoot
• Nessie the Lochness Monster
• Abominable Snowman
• Salmonella

Hopefully you answered “real” for all of them except one. Salmonella is the biggest conspiracy ever. It’s not real. Let me explain….

Raw Cookie Dough

From http://www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com

I’ve been eating raw cookie dough for years, and I’ve never had salmonella.

Salmonella isn’t real. It’s just something parents made up, so there would actually be dough left to make cookies. And because parents don’t want their children all hopped up on sugar running around like mini-maniacs.

The Name “Salmonella”

Say “Salmon.” Now say “Ella.” It should have sounded like “Sam-on-Ella.” Want me to use it in a sentence?

Look behind the bleachers, and you’ll see some Sam-on-Ella action.

When you’re talking about the fish, you don’t pronounce the “L.” Suddenly, when you’re talking about the bacteria, you pronounce the “L.”

That smells fishy to me. Sounds like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone catch two fish with one worm by stopping children from eating raw cookie dough while correcting the pronunciation of the fish.

The Symptoms (and My Potty Mouth)

You know what happens when you contract this so-called salmonella? You get faucet butt. That’s it. Then it passes.(Bwahahaha! It passes!) So how do you know if you had faucet butt from salmonella or if you got the runs from something else? You don’t know.

In conclusion, if you have children, perpetuate the salmonella myth because that means more raw cookie dough for you.

You Call That a Crab Cake?

Dear States Other Than Maryland,

I live in Maryland. Home of the crab. Crab dip, crab cakes, crab anything—We do it right.

When you order a crab cake in Maryland, this is what you get:

Note that there is more crab than filler.

A dome of chunky crab meat. Mmmmm….

While visiting another state (I won’t point any fingers), I made the mistake of ordering a Maryland crab cake. A mistake that I won’t make ever again.

Because when you order a Maryland crab cake while you’re in another state, this is what you get:

Crab cakes should not look like a school lunch fish patty.

A freakin’ crabby patty that’s more bread than crab. Seriously? Pathetic….

I should sue you for pain, suffering, disappointment, and other damages. The State of Maryland should sue you for slander or false advertising. Lawyered!

Please take immediate action. On every menu that lists Maryland Crab Cakes, please remove Maryland Crab Cake and replace it with Mediocre Crab Cake or Not-a-Maryland Crab Cake.

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.

Very crabby,

Thoughtsy

PS: If you don’t have Old Bay, don’t even bother serving crab. Did you just say, What’s Old Bay? I can’t even look at you right now I’m so upset.

I See Drunk People

Dear Moron in the Annapolis Doubletree Lobby,

Let me introduce myself. Last Friday night, this happened:

Guy in Lobby on Cell Phone: ::attempting to whisper:: There are loud drunk people here.

What I Thought: Where?

What I Said (in a stage whisper): Shhhh…we’re the loud drunk people!

My Analysis

Where to begin…let’s address “loud.”A hotel lobby after midnight is empty and quiet. So in comparison…everything seems loud.

And since I could hear you whispering, you were being loud.

Next, let’s address “drunk.” I heard your little comment, so obviously I was coherent. Perhaps the fact that you thought you were whispering means you, sir, were the Drunky McDrunk.

Clinging to Kiefer didn’t mean I couldn’t walk. I was clinging to his arm because I was freezing my tushie off, and I was trying to absorb all of the heat from his body. (My super power is sucking heat from others.)

And as for my response of “Shhhh…we’re the loud drunk people,” it’s called a “stage whisper” because you want people to hear what you’re saying.

Boo-Yah!

Not Sincerely,

Thoughts

PS: You almost ruined my Doubletree cookie with your nonsense. Almost.

 

This Means War…Or Food Fight

So it’s been awhile since David Zincenko and I have had a spat.

But now he brought out the big guns. He dropped the mother of all bombs with his 7 Worst Supermarket Breakfasts.

Worst Breakfast Pastry: Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts

Oh no he did-n’t.

His opening argument: Since when has it been acceptable to eat chocolate-frosted pastries at breakfast?

Since always, doo-doo head! How long have we been eating chocolate-covered donuts? Croissants drizzled with chocolate? All of that healthy eating has warped your fragile little mind, Dave!

Unseasoned Pop-Tart eater and hater….

Let’s take a moment to review Dave’s personal vendetta against my eating habits:

• Doritos
• Corn on the Cob
• Ice Cream (Specifically, the Choco Taco, which I still havent’ tried.)
• Sex Pancakes

Davey did mention one two things on his list that brought a smile to my face. His dissed organic oatmeal and waffles. Organic! I can’t wait to tell crunchy Kiefer that some of his organic food is actually not as good as it’s cracked up to be.

Take that, crunchy hippies!

#3. Cruisin’ for Worms

I’m back from my cruise, and I’m feeling refreshed…and sunburnt. Don’t touch the shoulders!

Top 5 Awesomest Things About Cruising

1. Access to ice cream 24/7
2. Snorkeling in Cozumel
3. Eating Warm Chocolate Melting Cake every night
4. Grand Cayman’s beautiful blue, clear water
   

   Me Testing the Water Temperature

5. Watching drunk people fall down

Top 5 Unawesomest Things About Cruising

1. Rude cruisers
2. Waiting in lines
3. Questioning the cleaniness of the ice in my drink (while in Mexico) after I’ve downed half of it
4. Seeing 200+ blog posts that I need to catch up on.
5. Realizing there aren’t any sprinkles for the ice cream

Overall, Kiefer and I had a wonderful time on the cruise. All unpleasant experiences resulted from other passengers. Such as women talking loudly during a show:

Obnoxious women: BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Kiefer: Excuse me, but could you please keep it down? We can’t hear the comedian.

Obnoxious women: ::dirty looks::

Me: Wipe that look off your face before I stab you with this ice cream cone!

I held the ice cream cone high above my head and prepared to bring it down…directly into her heart. Just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Then I paused to reflect upon my actions:

• I would be wasting a perfectly good ice cream cone.
• But it was free, so I could just go get another.
• But the ice cream machine was 3 floors up.
• To be fair, several women were talking, so I’d have to stab each of them with a new ice cream cone.
• I was on vacation and that would be entirely too much work.

One of my favorite parts of the cruise was people-watching. Especially watching the drunk people.

So raise your glass to the guy who dropped his tequila bottle while reboarding the ship in Mexico. He didn’t let the shattered glass stop him from bending down, retrieving the worm, and popping that squirmy sucker in his mouth.

Drunk-worm-eating guy, you’re my hero.