Tag Archives: Music

Oh Where, Oh Where Can My Baby Be?

Dear Pod People,

Please return my baby. My perfect little baby who…

  • Takes 3-4 45-minute naps a day every 2 or 2.5 hours.
  • Sleeps through the night for 10 hours.
  • Puts herself back to sleep when she wakes up.
  • Sleeps in her crib.

I do not appreciate the pod baby you have left in her place. You see, the pod baby is teething.

Don't be fooled by the cuteness. This IS a future pod person.

Don’t be fooled by the cuteness. This IS a future pod person.

The pod baby you see above is not as easy going as my baby. This pod baby nurses to sleep, wakes up an hour later, must fall back asleep on me, and then wakes up every time she goes back into the crib, so I finally give up and bring the pod baby into Mommy and Daddy’s bed where the pod baby decides every few hours that she must sleep on me, not next to me.

And, of course, I get no sleep because I’m convinced I will either roll on said pod baby or roll over while the baby is on top, which will send the baby onto the floor.

I was willing to take care of the pod baby until my husband and I had this conversation:

Thoughtsy: When does the teething stop?

Kiefer: I think they have all their teeth around 2 years.

Thoughtsy: NOOOOOOOOOO!

So there you have it. Just when I thought sleep was once again mine for the taking, I find out there’s another year and a half of no sleep.

Faaaaaantastic.


Applying Lyrics From the 90s to My Life: I Saw the Sign

See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Is it possible that there are no coincidences?—Signs

I believe in signs.

I believe there’s a reason I always said, “There’s no way I’m going back to Kiefer…unless he proposes…with a ring…and has tickets to Vegas.” And then…that happened.

I believe there’s a reason Kiefer and I saw this sign in Washington, DC, on a date after he proposed.

sign

Most signs aren’t this clear.

I believe there’s a reason that a week after I said “Yes,” we finally found a new house.

I believe there’s a reason that a couple months after Kiefer’s proposal we got pregnant…and got this cutie pie:

Rainbow

I like putting her in hats that are too big for her. It makes her head look smaller, which makes my nether regions feel better.

Everyone with me now: I believe I can fly…I believe I can touch the sky….

Sorry. My writing made me channel R. Kelly. If you don’t know the song, don’t tell me. It’ll make me feel old.

Do you see signs?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Those toilets are real time savers though. If you go in with some shampoo, you can squeeze in a quick shower.”—correctionsandclarifications


I’m Not Hungry…I’m Starving!

Before Scout came along, I wasn’t sure what I thought about breastfeeding, especially after someone told me it felt like your nipple was being slammed in a door, but breastfeeding is great for other reasons (besides nutritional value):

  • When you’re tired of visitors, you can hide with the baby in another room and refuse to come out until they leave. Trust me: once the baby is gone, people go home.
  • Your husband has to do the dishes or other chores.
  • Breastfeeding forces you to sit down, relax, and watch a movie for a Movies Teach Us post…even if you only get to watch it in 20-minute segments.

Recently, I watched The Starving Games, which is a spoof of The Hunger Games. Here’s what I learned:

  • People in the Capital dress funny because Lady Gaga was President.
  • In the game lottery, enter names like Hugh Janus and Dean Gillberry. They’re funny when they’re announced.

  • Kantmiss celebrates with a chest bump before volunteering to save her sister.
  • Wedgies can cut you in half. Beware.
  • You can put out an entire forest fire with a fire extinguisher.
  • Angry birds attack in the Starving Games.
  • Kantmiss is invited to join The Avengers.

And most importantly, Chuck Norris doesn’t have a catch phrase because catch phrases need him.*

*Anything about Chuck Norris is always the most important.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I fail to see how donut pants aren’t strategically positioned to be beside the Homer Simpson boxers….”—AbsentElemental


And Two Tylenols Later, A Baby Was Born

Guy in Childbirth Class: So…do you think my wife could just take a couple Tylenol and be ok through labor?

I wanted to smack him. Partially because earlier he insisted his punctured spleen from a car accident a couple years ago never really hurt.

I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

Translation: I cry only a little when I slowly peel off a band aid.

Taking this off will be a doozy.

Real Translation: Because needles freak me out, I won’t let the dentist numb me when filling cavities.

I’m that person nearly passes out at blood draws, and afterwards I feel stupid because I didn’t even feel the needle.

So I decided to last as long as I could drug-free and then assess the drug situation because…

  • I was a 9-pound (and however many ounces) baby.
  • Boo was a 23-inch long baby.
  • Radley was a 9-pound baby.
  • Our baby measured in the 70th percentile.
  • Except for her head. She’s in the 93rd percentile. Our baby has a big head.
  • After Sunday’s false labor contractions for over 12 hours, I almost slammed my head into the wall to knock myself out just so I could get some rest.

My birth plan said…

  1. Knock me out.
  2. Wake me up after the baby arrives.

I wish that had been an option. It actually said…

  1. Drugs: Maybe. Not Tylenol.

After laboring at home for 15-16 hours, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. When I got there, I was 7 centimeters dilated…and every nurse seemed concerned I was about to give birth in the hallway, so I asked for drugs that last an hour, hoping that was all I would need.

That resulted in me telling everyone that I made the staff red velvet cookies, and they should get one from the nurses station.

And after that sweet hour of mild relief with barely any more dilation, I asked for the epidural.

Kiefer: Are you sure you don’t want to try walking around first to see if it speeds things up?

Me: Kiefer…I’m done. I want…the epidural.

When you say someone’s name, they know you mean business.

When the anesthesiologist came in…

Anesthesiologist: How are you doing?

Me: I’m done.

Unfortunately for me, the baby hadn’t come out yet, so I wasn’t actually done.

One epidural and 3 hours later, I was 10 centimeters dilated with a bag of water still in tact. The midwife popped it, and we got the show on the road.

Then I noticed that I could see my legs and stuff in the reflection of the lamp light. I think that’s when my coochie snorcher decided it was done despite the baby still being inside.

After pushing for a bit, they turned down the epidural. After pushing for 4 hours with little progress and a baby suspected to be sunny side up, we discussed other options.

Scout finally arrived after nearly 29 hours of labor. The last 5-10 minutes was extremely unpleasant—I’ll leave it at that.

Her head was too big for my nether regions but not too big for this hat.

Hat


The Sound of Music’s Favorite Things: A Copper Kettle? Seriously?

Last night as I flipped through the TV channels, I almost stopped on Piranhaconda. Almost.

Surely Michael Madsen from Reservoir Dogs wouldn’t lead me astray, right?

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight….

You got a little something behind your ear. Sit still and lemme get that for you.

After reading that Piranhaconda was a sequel to Sharktopus, I decided I really should watch the movies in order and ended up watching The Sound of Music instead.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

  • A doe is a female deer.
  • Carrie Underwood, bless her heart, can sing beautifully, but she can’t act.
  • Austrians don’t eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just jam sandwiches.
  • Singing loudly drowns out thunder.
  • “I smoke a big cigar” is probably code for something dirty.
  • Hills don’t just have eyes, they’re alive.
  • Some people don’t like festive wrapping paper. They prefer brown paper packages tied up with strings.
  • Vampire Bill Compton can sing.

    When you open your mouth to sing, please don’t sound like Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia. Please….

Most importantly, I learned Maria and I have very different favorite things. Who the heck likes copper kettles? I’m totally with her on the crisp apple strudels though.

My song would go something like, “Sprinkles on Pop-Tarts and icing on cupcakes….”

What are your favorite things?


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