I’m a Cowboy-Alien, On a Steel Horse-UFO I Ride

Dear Aliens,

Please stop stealing people from Earth. Here we call that “kidnapping,” and it’s illegal. In fact, pretty much everything you do is illegal. Not to mention just plain mean.

When you visit, here’s a list of activities to refrain from:

• Squishing corn with your transportation.
• Poking (Bad touch! Bad touch!), proding, and probing (::shudder::).
• Stealing/borrowing people.
• Throwing people around/sucking them up with your beams of light.

To do some research on you, I watched Cowboys and Aliens, and I learned that you want our gold.

So the bad economy is affecting you, too, huh? Times are tough, but you can’t go around stealing gold. It’s illegal.

I'm a cowboy...on a steel horse I ride.

 Maybe instead of doing research on human bodies, you should read my Movies Teach Us posts or watch some movies.

I think you could learn a lot from our movies. For example, you’d learn that shake hands when we meet someone, not shove a needle in their eye like you did to that guy in Fire in the Sky. 

Maybe you could stop sneaking around in the middle of the night (It’s scaring me the children.) and just introduce yourselves. Maybe sing some Bon Jovi karaoke with Blarney.

Sincerely,

Thoughtsy

PS: Please don’t introduce yourself to me. Your ugly mug would scare the bejeezus outta me. Introduce yourself to someone like the President. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Zombies Stole $111 Million from Aliens

Mars Needs Moms lost $111 million. After Todd* dangled that fact in front of me, I had to watch the movie to see how awful it was.

Except…it wasn’t that awful.

Let me give you highlights from the first 10 minutes:

• The cat’s name is Cujo. Awesome.
  

  Don't feed your cat broccoli.

• Kid doesn’t want to eat broccoli. Typical. The mom should add cheese.
• Mom says if kid eats broccoli, she’ll let him watch Zombie Dawn 3. Even better than cheese.
• Mom says, “Zombies like brains, and broccoli looks like brains.” Best. Mom. Ever.
• Kid says, “Mom, nobody likes zombies. I’m committed to their annihilation.” This line single-handedly lost the movie $111 million.

Mystery solved. Case closed. Take this movie’s loss off next week’s episode of Unsolved Mysteries. (I miss that show. Sigh….)

Obviously, zombies aren’t as brainless as we think. They’re intelligent, and they took their wrath out on this movie.

Because I’m deathly afraid of aliens and their probes, I kept watching, hoping to learn how to survive an alien abduction.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• Old aliens look like a taller, meaner version of ET.
• Alien to English dubbing isn’t as funny as Japanese to English dubbing.
• Aliens like moms who make their children take out the trash, not buy their children ice cream.
• If you’re going to shoot a laser at someone, bring them a change of underwear.
• Male aliens are useless. All they do is hug and dance.

But the most important lesson is that being a mom is a tough job. That’s why aliens outsource it.

*I use Todd as a reference everyday. He does his leg work. This one time…at band camp when I was writing a research paper…the teacher actually said, “Wikipedia is not an acceptable source, but Todd Pack is.”**

**True story.

Pay Your Own Way

Call me “old-fashioned,” but I like it when my boyfriend…

• Pays for my dinner.
• Washes my car.
• Fixes stuff around the house.
• Feeds me grapes while I lounge on the couch watching House or Supernatural. 

Maybe I got a little carried away with that last one, but I like being taken care of sometimes. Not that I can’t take care of myself. I can.

For example, I’m perfectly capable of opening a box of Pop-Tarts. Bottles of water, however, continue to confound me. I can never get them open without tearing up my hand.

Anyways, I know it’s a two-way street. Here’s what I will do for you…

• Pay for your dinner sometimes.
• Help you wash your dishes.
• Fix your tie when it’s crooked.
• Help fold laundry (except the socks).
• Bring you a bowl of ice cream…with only a bite or two missing.

You know what I will not do? Pay your living expenses.

Lately, I’ve heard about some unmarried female friends, coworkers, and acquaintenances who pay for their boyfriend…and I don’t mean picking up the dinner check.

• One gal’s boyfriend lives with her rent- and utility-payment-free.
• Another friend was paying her boyfriend’s half of the rent (plus her half), taking care of his kids, as well as his child support while he was unemployed. Wait, not totally unemployed. I think he was pushing dope.
• Someone else covered her boyfriend’s rent while he was unemployed.
• A coworker recently said her live-in boyfriend is buying them new furniture. She said that’s the least he could do since she pays the mortgage. To that I say, “Are you getting new furniture every month?”

And this goes on for months. M-o-n-t-h-s.

I know the economy sucks. I know the unemployment rate is up. I know that by writing this post I’ve now jinxed myself and will probably lose my job and have to find a Sugar Daddy.

Except…I won’t. Because I’m a big girl (pull-ups and everything). I can take care of myself.

Ladies, if you have money to throw around, please feel free to send it my way.

I Am a Puppy Whore

Whenever I’m having a bad day at the mall trying to kill time feeling the urge, I visit the local pet store or shelter to play with puppies.

The first puppy I ever played with was an Australian shepherd. He was such a cutie. And he loved me. The feeling was mutual.

I played with that puppy for over an hour. I even named him. I called him “My Australian Shepherd.” 

Because I’d never had a dog before, I was scared of the responsibility (mainly the poo), so I had limited options.

1. Convince Kiefer to adopt My Aussie.
2. Convince my parents to adopt him.

Kiefer declined (that’s the real reason I broke up with him), and my parents declined as well (I knew they never really loved me).

That left only one option: Me.

So I decided that if such an adorable puppy was still there the next day, it was fate. He was meant to be mine. Then I found out My Aussie cost $1,200. Thank goodness someone else adopted him, and I ended up with Esme the cat, who was roughly $100.

Since I lost My Aussie, I’ve become a bit of a puppy whore. Not only do I visit the pet store frequently, I also like to play with friends’ dogs.

In fact, if you don’t have a dog, I can’t be friends with you unless…

1. You’re super cool and awesome.
2. You buy me ice cream.

You know about Blarney’s dog Murphy and my brother’s dog Percy the Poodle, but now I’d like to introduce you to the new dog in my life,  Princess’s dog Jack.

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo! Stick Your Head in….

Please excuse the regression to my 5-year-old self.

But I’m having an early birthday celebration this weekend! I’m so flippin’ excited that I may pee my pants! Oops…too late…. Apparently bladder control starts to go at age 29.

Seriously.

So you’ll have to do without me for a few days. I know, I know. Deep breaths. 

What? You forgot my birthday was this month? I can’t believe that you would forget something so important. I mean, it’s not like you have your own blogs, lives, children, and pets to take care of or anything. (::head hung in shame:: <–Yours, not mine.)

Anyways, as my early birthday present, please pick one of the following:

• Search for a Pete, Jr. (I heard Pete was quite the ladies’ penguin.)
• Bake some cookies (and then send me a sample).
• Check out my About and Background pages. (I updated them forever ago and then didn’t tell you.)
• Start a fundraiser for me you and me to go on another cruise.

Now for some serious business.

Serious Business #1: There’s an imposter amongst us. While the Hipster and I were in Ellicott City, we found someone masquerading as The Jolie!

Serious Business #2: Please send wrinkle cream. Apparently my 29-year-old forehead needs some.

Note to self: Never make that face again. It causes wrinkles.