Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

“That’s the good thing about hanging out with bloggers. Most of them are kind of f-cked up in the same way you are.”—The Bloggess

Have you read any posts by The Bloggess? Have you read her book: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson?

On Sunday Misty (go to her blog for autographed stuff)  and I met The Bloggess. Here’s how it went down:

Thoughtsy: Oh my gosh, it’s so nice to meet you!

Jenny: It’s nice to meet you! What’s in the gift bag? Alcohol? Kittens?

Thoughtsy: Kitten-related stuff. And a shirt like mine so we can be twinsies. Sooooo…do you like my shirt?

That last part is not true. I tug on my shirt when I’m nervous…it’s my Mary Catherine Gallagher nervous trait.

Hi, I’m Thoughtsy. You’re awesome. Please accept this humble offering. BTW…Do you like my shirt?

If you haven’t read Jenny’s book, you should. It’s been on the New York Times Bestseller’s List for a month. If you’re still not convinced, maybe some bullets Movies-Teach-Us-style will persuade you.

Here’s what I learned from the book:

• Star Wars is not a documentary.
• Bobcats make good house pets.
• “Intestines” is French for “poop rope.”
• Feral cats are actually vampire cougars.
• Drugs make your boobies fall off.
• Licking wine off your arm is classy.

Well, Jenny, you’ve just met the classiest person to ever walk the earth.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “So glad I didn’t have to read that headline and say, ‘Oh, I knew Thoughtsy, and this is a set up…she would NEVER pee in the woods!’ Glad you lived to tell the tale yourself!”—Suzicate

I Said a Bad Word

I need to expand my vocabulary. In particular, my foul-mouth vocabulary.

For example…

Me: He’s such a—

You: Use your words….

Me: Poopyhead!

You: Seriously? Fail.

Do I want every other word that escapes my lips to be a cuss word? No.

But what if I’m ever asked to be on Jerry Springer? I need to spice it up a bit. Maybe even learn to throw a punch.

Speaking of punches, what if I find myself in some type of confrontation? I need to sound intimidating. And I can sound intimidating by cursing.

Scary Person: I’m gonna gut you!

Me: Well…that’s not very nice.

::Sounds of Scary Person beating me into a coma::

Really. It’s for my own protection. So I’ve decided to buy this book I saw at Retro Metro with Misty.

Creative Cursing for the Cursing-Challenged

Flipping the pages, I was able to come up with some fun words that top even “faucet butt.”

For the Playa...

For the whores who like a man who wears a fanny pack.

For the women of questionable virtue...

Homework: Try to incorporate one of these into a conversation today.

I Was on the Nice List

Celebrity sighting! Celebrity sighting!

Just before the holidays, I paid a visit to Santa. He was going through cookie withdraw, and that’s why he looked a little green. Santa and I talked a little bit about this past year, my behavior, and my Christmas list.

About half way through our conversation, I realized it wasn’t really Santa. This was an imposter!

How did I know?

No beard.

And I always thought Santa had a bigger “bowl full of jelly.”

It was Mr. Ba Humbug, Scrooge’s green counterpart: The Grinch.

The Grinch says, "You know who's cool? This gal."

This is what Kiefer calls my rock star hair. Translation: I didn’t brush it look in the mirror when I parted it.

After I pointed out he wasn’t really Santa, the Grinch and I exchanged a few words. I agreed to bake him delicious cookies if he would agree to not steal my presents on Christmas Eve.

My Christmas presents were under the tree Christmas morning, so obviously the Grinch as turned over a new leaf thanks to Cindy Loo Hoo me.

I didn’t get the magic weight loss pills I was hoping for (so I assume my granny panties neighbor is doing well), but here is a sampling of what I received:

• Kindle
• Butterfly in a Jar
• Cake Pops
• Minicupcake Baker
• Butterfly Box
• Camera
• Fairy

That’s the ad the Kindle stopped on…it’s not my fault.

What’s that little blue thing in the corner by the camera? I’ll explain that later.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! What was your favorite gift that you received? And what was your favorite gift that you gave to someone else?

The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn

The other weekend I watched Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

Before you start moaning and groaning or click away,  hear me out.

Let’s start with the birds and bees. When a boy and a girl fall in love, they have sex.

You’ll want to sit down for this next part.

A stork does not bring babies. (I know, I know. I was shocked as well.)

Sex leads to babies. That’s why it’s always important to have protected sex…even when your husband is a vampire. Just because he’s dead, doesn’t mean his baby batter is dead as well.

And now I present to you the pros and cons of vampire pregnancy.

• Pro: You have a quick pregnancy.
  

  "It's either a baby or indigestion...I'm just not sure."

• Pro: You put all of the weight in your tummy…because the baby is sucking the life out of you (Con).
• Con: The pregnancy will break your back…and kill you.
• Pro: You won’t have to breastfeed because your baby only wants blood.
• Pro: You come back as a beautiful vampire.

After carefully weighing all of that, a vampire pregnancy sounds like a good option. I just joined Team Edward.

Here’s what else I learned from Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

• Fathers who are cops are scary…because they have guns…and know how to use them…and will use them on their daughter’s husband.
• Kristen Stewart is skinny. Too skinny. Her scrawny legs freak me out.
• I will never get tired of looking at Taylor Lautner (my future cabana boy) shirtless. Never.

Anyways…now I have a dilemma. Should I rewatch the entire saga for Movies Teach Us?

I didn’t like Twilight. I don’t particularly want to watch it again. But I will. For the blog. For you, my blog buddies.

Going for What You Want Means Losing Something Else

I’m a huge fan of Emily Giffin’s books. Huge. I-should-be-president-of-her-fan-club kind of huge.

Somehow I missed the Something Borrowed movie when it opened (I was busy re-enacting Mortal Kombat with Esme), but I finally watched it.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• It’s never too late.
• Grinding a guy’s leg while dancing will cause you to pull a muscle near your vagina.
• You’ll never get what you want unless you ask for it.
• If a girl is too clingy, don’t tell her you’re gay. She’ll just want you more.
• New York City is completely empty 4th of July weekend…except for your parents.
• You didn’t waste your 20s, you grew up.

This movie didn’t get the best reviews, but I enjoyed it. Rachel, who is essentially the girl next door, ends up sleeping with her best friend’s (Darcy’s) fiance (Dex).

So the audience is in a difficult position: 

• Rachel is the “good girl.” So why is she sleeping with her friend’s fiance?
• Darcy isn’t a very likeable character, but they still feel some sympathy for her…until they find out she kinda stole Dex from Rachel and that Darcy’s been cheating on Dex as well.

But good people sometimes do bad things. Sometimes people make mistakes.

And in the next book, Darcy becomes less bitchy, and everything works out for her.

Did you read the book or see the movie? What did you think?