Tag Archives: Blog Crushes

Welcome to the Gun Show

Recently, I’ve been pondering something, and I’ve come up with two hypotheses:

  1. Sexual harassment has scared people so much they’re afraid to compliment a woman’s eyes, hair, etc.
  2. I have the arms of a god.

I really want it to be #2. Here’s my proof:

  • It all began years ago when a guy tried to pick me up by complimenting my arms. Seriously.
  • Then JM complimented my arms at BlogHer.
  • More arm compliments by Jules, Darla, and Jess in last month’s comments.
Ladies, this is for you. I've been a slacker lately, so they're not nice as they usually are. Sorry.

Ladies, this is for you. I’ve been a slacker lately, so they’re not muscular as they usually are. And sorry about the bruise. Damn blood draws.

But now I have a new hypothesis. What if I’m just a very dull person? What if my arms are my only attractive trait? The only other things I receive compliments on are fake. 

The other day at the gym, this conversation happened:

Gym Guy: You’re looking beautiful today. As always. You have the most perfectly shaped eyebrows.

Now seems like a good time to mention I don’t take compliments well. I end up (A) blushing and changing the subject, or (B) oversharing. Just saying, “Thank you” rarely happens. 

Me: That’s because I pluck like crazy. Seriously, my real eyebrows are just short of a unibrow. ::face-palm::

Gym Guy: And your lashes are so long!

Me: They’re fake. I glue the extra eyebrows to the lashes. It’s all fake!

At least my hair is real. I might try brushing it this morning to see if anyone says anything.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Caption: I will cut you.”—Katie and a Blog


As You Wish

Haaaaaave you met Misty? Meeting and friending her should be your #1 priority. Why? Because whenever I see her, she gives me something. Usually vodka or Pop-Tarts.

I have a confession to make. While I consider myself pretty well read…having a degree in English Lit, another degree in Law, and making a consistent attempt to read at least a few books a month (that I try to fit in around my busy TV watching work and child rearing schedule), there is one book that I shamefully have never read. And that book is…The Princess Bride.

But then again, who needs books when you have movies? And in fact, The Princess Bride movie is one of the funniest, most irreverent, clever and iconic movies that I have ever seen. And Thoughtsy’s Movies Teach Us is all about movies, so I guess the fact that I’ve seen this movie more than a few hundred dozen times, is a good start on this post, yes? Who needs books anyway?

There are many life lessons contained in this epic movie. From the very beginning, if you were a child of the 80’s like me, the very sounds of the dated Atari-like baseball video game brings you back to a more innocent and childlike period in your life. A time when, like the young boy in the film, you were home sick from school and your grandfather came to read you a book to pass the time. Where you happily shut down your video game and accepted your doting grandpa’s playful cheek pinch, and settled in for an afternoon of literary entertainment. I mean, that happened to you all the time when you were young, right? Ok, fine… it didn’t happen here either. Whilst there is the whole sick kid/grandpa reading thing, as most young boys would be, this one is similarly unenthused about his grandpa’s visit. But things change soon after the opening pages of the novel, which the boy promises to “try to stay awake” for.

RIP Peter Falk.

Much like the character Fred Savage plays in this movie, I too learned quite a lot from this movie. One of the most important lessons I learned was that after all these years, I still can pretty much quote it verbatim. So, even though I might not remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, it’s good to know that arcane 80’s movie dialogue is still firmly implanted in the ole recesses of my noggin’. Score!

Lessons From The Princess Bride

  • ROUS’s definitely exist, and you should NOT expect Buttercup to help save you from them.
  • The Dread Pirate Roberts does not take prisoners . . . except for those times where he does.
  • Death cannot stop true love.
  • “No more rhymes now, I mean it! (Anybody want a peanut?)”
  • “You keep using that word . . . I do not think it means what you think it means.”
  • “I am not left handed.”
  • People in masks cannot be trusted.
  • Masks are terribly comfortable and everyone will be wearing them in the future.
  • “You put down your rock and I put down my sword and we try to kill each other like civilized people.”

Inconceivable!

  • Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
  • Life IS pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
  • Lies do not become men of action.
  • Always be honest if it is for posterity.
  • If you are seven feet tall and yell at everyone to move, they will part like the Red Sea.
  • Fezzik jogs memories too hard.
  • Bringing up a painful subject is like giving a paper cut and pouring lemon juice on it.
  • People can be only mostly dead, which is slightly alive.
  • True love is the greatest thing in the world . . . except for a nice MLT. Mutton, lettuce & tomato, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.
  •  Mawedge. Mawedge is what bwings us togevah today.
  • “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
  • There is a worse fate than “to the death.”

    Drop. Your. Sword.

  • Fred Savage doesn’t mind the kissing parts so much.

And finally . . .

  • “As you wish” means “I love you.”

What Happens After High School

Haaaaaave you met Peg? She’s pretty much a genius. She has good ideas and is a great organizer.

How do I know this? Because she orchestrated the great Reese’s Cup Takeover of  2012, and now she’s giving credit where credit is due with her Freshly Pegged Awards.

Please give Peg a warm welcome! And she’ll probably accept Reese’s Cups, too.

romyandmichele

When Thoughtsy asked me to review a movie for her landmark “Movies Teach Us” series, I thought I might be hamstrung by the fact that I never actually WATCH movies. This is a result of being unwilling to shell out the $10 and 3 hours required to go to a show, coupled with my inability to figure out why the sound won’t work on our DVD player.

Being a genial host, Thoughtsy said I could just resurrect impressions gleaned from something I’ve already seen. I chose Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion.

Those who know me might find this an odd choice for a grumpy, middle-aged woman, but I loved this movie. To paraphrase one of the mean girls (who ends up breaking away from the pack to become a pseudo-butch, not-mean career woman), it’s flirty and fun.

Here’s what I learned.

1) When making up a career to disguise the fact that you are actually a broke loser, don’t pick something people are apt to have heard of, like inventing Post-it Notes. Say you got rich doing something nobody can disprove, like owning a huge chain of coin-op laundromats.

2) Desperately Seeking Susan had a profound effect on the styling adopted by high school girls desperate to be different in the pre-EMO days of the 1980s.

3) Girls who hang around their hometown and remain friends after high school are doomed to all get pregnant at the same time.

4) Janeane Garofalo used to be funny before she made the career switch from comedian to obnoxious political pundit.

5) No need to feel inferior in high school: the Big Man On Campus and Head Cheerleader always wind up being fat losers by the ten-year reunion.

6) Conversely, nerds always turn out cute/hunky and end up making lots of money.

7) In the food chain that is the high-school social scene, there will always be people above you. But don’t despair. For almost everyone, there is still somebody below you.


Somebody Please Get a Clue

Haaaaave you met Jules? I can’t remember if we first bonded over our mutual love for Glee or vodka, but we definitely cemented our bloggy friendship with vodka at BlogHer.

Please give her a warm welcome today. If you’re nice to her, she’ll probably make you one of her chief chipmunks.

When Thoughtsy asked if I’d write a “Movies Teach Us” guest post, I didn’t hesitate. Movies have taught me so much. Thanks to the silver screen, I wasn’t long in this world before learning that killer bees really can kill, Reese’s Pieces are otherworldly-level yummy, and men fall in love with girls who actually would let you put them in a corner if it was up to them.

I recently watched my all-time favorite movie for the 10th 20th 30th time, and I thought it would be the perfect pick for today.

Clueless.

I totally didn't even pause before picking this movie.

I totally didn’t even pause before picking this movie.

Here’s what I learned:

  • “Showing a little skin” will only prolong your realization that yes, that hot guy who likes to shop really is gay.
  • The correct pronunciation of “Hatians” is HAY-tee-uns.
  • If you don’t wear your most capable-looking outfit, you will fail that driver’s test.
  • Only yellow plaid goes with yellow plaid.
  • They don’t speak Mexican in El Salvador.

Things Movies Taught Us

Haaaaaave you met Lisa? Lisa is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life.  She shouldn’t be allowed around sharp objects, anything breakable, or anything with carbohydrates.  She prefers dogs over most people, and food over most everything. Her blog will make you feel better about your own life and remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. Except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.

I’m a fan of the 80s. Who isn’t, really? But I like to think I’m a super fan. I also like to think I’m a size 6, but my pants say otherwise.

Whatever. I’m right about the 80s thing.

In addition to my love of Milli-Vanilli and Vanilla Ice (and vanilla ice cream), I also love 80s movies. From a 24-year old Matthew Broderick portraying a high schooler who manages to do an entire week of tourist attractions in 90 minutes, to John Cusack showing us the only real way to show you love someone is to play a boom box loudly at night while sporting a trench coat; 80s movies had a special flare.

It may have been cocaine. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was cocaine.

In honor of this beloved decade, I recently threw my hair in a scrunchie, put down my Rubix Cube, and watched a classic movie from the 80s: The Breakfast Club.

Here’s what I learned from it (aside from the fact I do not look good in hair scrunchies):

1. Pimento does not stick to statues.

This is important information for so many reasons. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if the components of my sandwich would stick to the side of George Washington’s cement face.

I’m happy to report, based upon this film, that lunch meat doesn’t have staying power on a statue. (It also doesn’t have staying power on my stomach.)

I’m hungry.

2. Pixie Sticks are a great condiment for sandwiches.

I always thought pixie sticks were just paper wrappers filled with colored sugar sold in small sticks for the sole purpose of hyping up kids to annoy parents. Who knew they were also great for sprinkling on sandwiches with a side of Cap’n Crunch?

sandwich

I will remember this new condiment rule the next time I’m subjected to my mother-in-law’s cooking. Maybe the sugar rush will also help me get through another session of looking at her photo albums.

Probably not. Vodka is needed for that.

3. Dandruff can be incorporated into art.

I’m not much of an artist, as I like to think my art is the written word. (I know it isn’t, but let me have this.)

However, should I ever find myself in a situation where I need to depict a log cabin on a snowy evening, I will lay off the Head and Shoulders Shampoo for a few days and use my dry scalp to make the artistic piece complete.

It really gives a new meaning to “putting a piece of yourself into the artwork.”

4. Flare guns and lockers do not mix.

The combination of these two will get you detention every time, especially if you bring one to school in order to kill yourself, but then leave it in your locker.

Additional tip: If you plan on killing yourself, you may want to be in the vicinity of the weapon when it’s actually discharged.

Anthony Michael Hall is clearly all looks and no brains.

5. Claire may be a family name, but it’s also a fat girl’s name.

It’s also the name of a great place to get inexpensive earrings and jelly bracelets, which are totally making a comeback.

The 80s really do live on.

6. Show Dick some respect.

Seriously. You should.

7. Anyone can be pretty when enough make-up is applied.

Actually, Kim Kardashian taught us that too.

Before

Before

After

After

8. No one believes you have a girlfriend in Canada.

Just ask Manti Te’o. We should all take a lesson from that guy. That shit will come out.

And no one believes you have a girlfriend anywhere, Anthony Michael Hall.

Take the Dead Zone gig with USA Network and call it a day.

9. If everyone gets up, it WILL be anarchy.

If just Andrew gets up, it will lead to the violation of a fire code.

10. Movies from the 80s were often illogical and featured the same handful of actors.

Yet they are still some of the best movies around. Now who wants to watch Sixteen Candles with me?

This article is copyright protected by federal law by Lisa Newlin of http://lisanewlin.com©. Please don’t steal it, as it’s really the only thing she’s got going for her.


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