1992. I was about 11 years old, in 6th grade, and I was tomboy. I played with boys; I didn’t think they were cute.

That all changed when I saw this face. ::droooool::

Marry Me? Please?

And this face.

And these guys doing this.

I could go on forever. And all of these handsome faces could be seen in one movie: Newsies.

That movie made me view boys in a different light. Boys were cute. Boys could sing and dance…and fight. These boys I wanted to hold hands with, not play basketball with.

And now I can relive my youth by seeing Newsies on Broadway. Please excuse me while I squeal like a teenage woo-hoo girl.

I hope Christian Bale is in it. Otherwise I may be setting myself up for disappointment.

Is there an age limit on Cabana boys? Could Christian Bale be my Cabana boy?

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is that movie. It will change your life. Never again will you be able to watch a horror movie without wondering…

• Maybe that guy in the mask is just covering a zit.
• Maybe that guy running his hook hand along the side of your car is really just trying to wash your windows for some extra cash.
• Maybe Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers were completely misunderstood.

The movie is about a group of college kids who assume two country hicks are killers. Assume. We all know what that means.

This isn't what it looks like.... Let me explain.

And then the college kids die because they’re accident-prone. Like my dad always said, “Accidents don’t just happen, they’re caused…by stupid assuming college kids.”

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• When you’re hitting on someone, put away the scythe.
• That guy with the chainsaw isn’t chasing you, he’s running from bees.
• Using an ax to carve “We’ve got your friend” into some wood isn’t the best way to communicate.
• When someone says, “I’m beating the crap outta her,” he means at board games.
• Bones in a house mean the previous owner was an archaelogist.
• If the woman wearing stripper heels is still alive, you’re not in any real danger. Normally, she’d be the first to go.

This movie taught me so much: Things aren’t always what they seem. Don’t stereotype. Don’t jump to conclusions. And most importantly, Don’t run with a spear; you’ll stab yourself.

My yogurt was covered in chocolate and candy. My coworker’s (let’s call him Todd Ddot) yogurt was covered in fruit…no chocolate. ::Gasp!::

Ddot broke Rule #1.

Rule #1: The healthy toppings should never outweigh the yogurt.

Ddot was my inspiration for Rule #2.

Rule #2: Never add fruit to yogurt. (This makes Rule #1 null and void.)

The other day Kiefer started adding strawberries to his yogurt, and I immediately started to scold him.

Me: You’re breaking Rule #2! I don’t even know who you are anymore….

Kiefer: Is that strawberry syrup on yours?

Me: Like there are any real strawberries in that syrup. Stay away from me. I don’t even want to be seen with you…. Wait…you’re paying still paying for me, right?

So Kiefer and I compromised and added Rule #3.

Rule #3: There must be more chocolate than fruit on your yogurt.

Rule #3 is like a loophole for you weird people who like a cherry on top. Kiefer has been kind enough to provide examples for you.

Exhibit A

As you can see here, Kiefer started to eat Exhibit A before I could snap a pic. We’re not holding that against him though since he made the fruit sacrifice.

Although Kiefer added strawberries, the brownie bites, chocolate syrup, and chocolate yogurt make up for the fruit.

Exhibit B

 Once again, Kiefer added strawberries. I’m trying to not gag overlook that those strawberries are on mint yogurt. Ewwww….

Anyways, the point is that the M&Ms, chocolate chips, chocolate syrup, and mini-caramel turtles definitely outnumber the strawberries.

• Aliens
• Bigfoot
• Nessie the Lochness Monster
• Abominable Snowman
• Salmonella

Hopefully you answered “real” for all of them except one. Salmonella is the biggest conspiracy ever. It’s not real. Let me explain….

Raw Cookie Dough

From http://www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com

I’ve been eating raw cookie dough for years, and I’ve never had salmonella.

Salmonella isn’t real. It’s just something parents made up, so there would actually be dough left to make cookies. And because parents don’t want their children all hopped up on sugar running around like mini-maniacs.

The Name “Salmonella”

Say “Salmon.” Now say “Ella.” It should have sounded like “Sam-on-Ella.” Want me to use it in a sentence?

Look behind the bleachers, and you’ll see some Sam-on-Ella action.

When you’re talking about the fish, you don’t pronounce the “L.” Suddenly, when you’re talking about the bacteria, you pronounce the “L.”

That smells fishy to me. Sounds like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone catch two fish with one worm by stopping children from eating raw cookie dough while correcting the pronunciation of the fish.

The Symptoms (and My Potty Mouth)

You know what happens when you contract this so-called salmonella? You get faucet butt. That’s it. Then it passes.(Bwahahaha! It passes!) So how do you know if you had faucet butt from salmonella or if you got the runs from something else? You don’t know.

In conclusion, if you have children, perpetuate the salmonella myth because that means more raw cookie dough for you.

I’ve only blogged about Kiefer’s ex once. And now I feel guilty about it, so I’m going to redeem myself.

In my defense, the very first time I met Kiefer’s ex, she was mean to me. She dropped a few rude, underhanded comments with Boo and Radley present that only Kiefer and I picked up on.

I sat there and smiled sweetly back at her while cursing her in my head. Cause that’s how I roll.

In her defense, after she got that out of her system, that was the end of it. Mostly.

The day after Thanksgiving we dropped Boo and Radley off at their grandparents’ house for a visit. When we picked them up, the ex grabbed my arm.

My Initial Thought: HELP! It burns! It burns! Cut it off if you have to! Leave no man behind! 

The ex proceeded to explain how amazing it was that I took Boo Black Friday shopping because that’s all he had been talking about all day. And how she was thankful that I was in Boo and Radley’s lives.

My Next Thought: Oh. That was nice of her. 

So…the ex and I…we’re cool now.

Kiefer and I frequent our local Yogi Castle…well…frequently. They know us there. We get free drinks. We I have a nickname. We’re regulars.

Despite our constant patronage, I’m concerned. Concerned about a frozen yogurt crisis. Concerned about my well being and sanity.

I’m concerned that Yogi Castle may go the route of some of our other “regular” places.

Borders

RIP Cocoa Trio. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss its warm chocolatey goodness. Borders went out of business despite our constant hot chocolate patronage.

Ever since, Kiefer and I haven’t been able to find a place for us to be regulars.

TGI Friday’s

Kiefer and I used love their sangria. We went there every Sunday. Then they changed their sangria recipe, and now it tastes icky.

Patrick’s

Kiefer and I used to visit a local Irish pub for the best cream of crab soup ever. And then…they changed the recipe. WHY?! Is it me? Am I not using enough deodrant? Dear God, am I the stinky kid? (::sniffing underarm::)

Yogi Castle

So far, so good. There are several flavors there that I like: cookies and cream, strawberry, cake batter, and pralines and cream. But there are also flavors I dislike: pumpkin, mint….

I noticed the Coming Soon flavor is Green Tea. Ewww….

My worst fear would be to walk into Yogi Castle and see only these flavors: Green Tea, Peppermint Stick, Coffee, Pumpkin, Mint, Coffee, Gingerbread, Eggnog, Banana, and Watermelon.

Please don’t let it come to that. I’m begging you to not end our relationship.

If I’m the stinky kid, just tell me. I’ll wear more Jelly Belly Blueberry Muffin perfume.

I’ll do anything. Seriously.

 Your Best Customer,

Thoughtsy

PS: While perusing your website, I noticed two flavors that aren’t at my local Yogi Castle: Mounds Chocolate Coconut and Angel Food Cake. Please send mass quantities. Thanks in advance.

What are your favorite or most hated flavors?

Have you ever noticed that the movie Labyrinth is a lot like The Wizard of Oz?

Let’s do a comparison:

• Munchkins = Goblins (avoids the issue of how PC the term “Munchkins” is)
• Dorothy = Sarah (except brattier and more dramatic)
• “There’s no place like home.” = “You have no power over me.” (more feminism)
• Yellow Brick Road = Labyrinth (The road was too easy.)
• Wicked Witch of the West = David Bowie (except more fashionable)

The similarities are amazing, aren’t they?

It’s a tale as old as time. Girl ends up in a strange land. She makes some new friends. They travel to the Emerald/Goblin City. Someone melts or turns into an owl. Happens all the time.

Rewatching this movie just proved how oblivious innocent I was as a child. As an adult, I kept staring at David Bowie’s…pants.

Dude...Stop looking at my...pants!

I did manage to take some notes about what I learned from the movie:

• If you want goblins to take away your baby brother, just say, “I wish the goblins would come take you away.”
• An oubliette is a place you put people…to forget about them.
• Watch out for poison apples peaches.
• Fairies bite; they don’t grant wishes.
• The only person who grants wishes is Bowie in crotch-hugging pants.
• Slapping babies will make them pee.

This movie should have included a tutorial on how to do that crystal ball spinning thing. But since it didn’t, the most important thing I learned is David Bowie may be Macaulay Culkin’s inspiration.

The Originator of the Home Alone Face

Here’s my list:

• Bananas
• Apples
• Clementines
• Spinach
• Lettuce
• Broccoli

Are you still reading? I’m glad you held on through that. I just needed to show my mom that I was indeed eating something healthy.

Here comes the good part of the list:

• Snowman-Shaped French Vanilla Marshmallows
• Berry Burst Oreos
• Dulce de Leche Cheerios
• Double Chocolate Krave Cereal
  

  Mmmmm...nom noms.

I bet all of these have crack in them.

I already tried the Berry Burst Oreos, and they were deeeeeeelishicious! The Dulce de Leche Cheerios were also pretty tasty.

Also, and perhaps most importantly, as in I probably should have led with this, but I was afraid you wouldn’t read the rest of my post because you would drop everything and run to the store…

Cadbury Creme Eggs are here. Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its way….

I live in Maryland. Home of the crab. Crab dip, crab cakes, crab anything—We do it right.

When you order a crab cake in Maryland, this is what you get:

Note that there is more crab than filler.

A dome of chunky crab meat. Mmmmm….

While visiting another state (I won’t point any fingers), I made the mistake of ordering a Maryland crab cake. A mistake that I won’t make ever again.

Because when you order a Maryland crab cake while you’re in another state, this is what you get:

Crab cakes should not look like a school lunch fish patty.

A freakin’ crabby patty that’s more bread than crab. Seriously? Pathetic….

I should sue you for pain, suffering, disappointment, and other damages. The State of Maryland should sue you for slander or false advertising. Lawyered!

Please take immediate action. On every menu that lists Maryland Crab Cakes, please remove Maryland Crab Cake and replace it with Mediocre Crab Cake or Not-a-Maryland Crab Cake.

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.

Very crabby,

Thoughtsy

PS: If you don’t have Old Bay, don’t even bother serving crab. Did you just say, What’s Old Bay? I can’t even look at you right now I’m so upset.

This work of art is from Thy‘s daughter, 13. You may recall the bat and penguin 13 and her brother sent me last year.

In response to this Hello Kitty rendering, Esme says…

To 13: Hello 13! I love your drawing. Only next time could you send Chococat? Chococat looks more like me.

To Thoughtsy: Thoughtsy, why the heck haven’t you gotten me a hula skirt yet?

Esme also had something to say about the slap bracelet from GoGuiltyPleasures.

Jules is cool, and she’s a new blog crush, and most importantly, she shares my love of Glee. She made me Chief Chipmunk, and I’m not entirely sure what that entails, but I’m think it gives me license to shove tons of cookies in my cheeks.

Go check out more slap bracelet pics and Jules’s blog!

Esme: How the heck does this thing work?

It’s not your fault, Esme. Slap bracelets were before your time….