Category Archives: Food

I Spent New Year’s Eve Stalking Unicorns

On New Year’s Eve morning, I had no idea what to bring to the party Kiefer and I were going to. I thought of just making a good standby recipe, but…I have a reputation to uphold.

Imaginary Conversation with Friend: “Oh. You made Orange Dreamsicle cookies…again.”

Imaginary Thoughtsy: I know…I FAILED!

Then…I saw it.

A cookie so colorful, so glittery, so sprinkley—it was perfect!

Behold, the Unicorn Poop Cookie.

Unicorncookie

We used some star sprinkles. I wish I’d taken a closeup.

Here’s how you make a unicorn poop cookie:

  1. Enlist the help of children. Unicorns like children.
  2. Have the children call out, “Here unicorny-corny! I have treats!”
  3. Feed the unicorn a lot of Fruity Pebble treats. A lot.
  4. Give each child a bag.
  5. Wait.
  6. Wait some more.
  7. Tell the unicorn to “Go potty!”
  8. Instruct the children to walk behind the unicorn and bag the unicorn droppings.
  9. Make sure the children wash their hands when they’re done.

Boo and Radley are now expert unicorn poop baggers if you’d like to borrow them. You’ll have to pay them, of course, since there are child labor laws. They would probably accept cookies as payment.

Oooooooor…you can whip up some sugar cookie dough (I added cherry vanilla flavoring to change it up)…

  1. Separate it and dye it with neon food coloring. The boys and I wore sandwich bags on our hands to avoid coloring our skin.
  2. Refrigerate the for 30 minutes or so.
  3. Roll each color into a snake.
  4. Twist the dough snakes together.
  5. Wrap the dough in a circle.
  6. Bake at 375 for about 8 minutes.
  7. Decorate cooled cookies with confetti icing gel, glitter sprinkles, and gold star sprinkles.

You can do it however you want, but the first scenario has less clean up and involves a real unicorn. Just sayin’….

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “No, he did not call you fat, of course. He called you PHAT. That’s street for totally bitchin’, or so I’m told.”—Pegoleg


Pop-Tart Thievery: What Is the World Coming To?

Until recently, I thought I was the sole member of Pop-Tart Addicts Anonymous (PAA). I mean, I’ve been the only one showing up for all the meetings. We I bring cupcakes or cookies since Pop-Tarts aren’t allowed. Obviously.

Now I see that PAA has other members…but they’re just in denial.

One lady called the police on her son when he stole her Pop-Tarts. Depending on my mood that day, the pre-PAA me would have asked…

  • You can do that?
  • What flavor were they?
  • Was it the last pack?
  • Did he leave the empty box there with no shiny silver packs inside?

Jerk….

But thanks to PAA, I can now say…

My stepsons eat my Pop-Tarts all the time. I had to get 3 boxes of the chocolate peanut butter flavor before I even got to try one. Did I call the cops? No.

Another man stole Pop-Tarts from a store, and then a truck hit him while he was making his getaway. He must have been too busy stuffing his face to look both ways before crossing the street.

Unless…the person driving the truck saw the Pop-Tarts, and overcome by Pop-Tart addiction, ran the thief over so the driver could have the Pop-Tarts all to himself.

Looks like three new members will be joining the next PAA meeting. I’d better bring extra cookies.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “If that ends up being your baby, Keifer is gonna have some explaining to do.”—Misty’s Laws


The Manhattan Project Gave Us Pop-Tarts

The other day I was researching the effects Pop-Tarts might have on my unborn child. I was hoping to find things like:

  • For blue eyes, eat blueberry Pop-Tarts.
  • For brown eyes, eat smore Pop-Tarts.
  • For a baby girl, eat cherry Pop-Tarts.
  • For freckles, eat sprinkled Pop-Tarts.
  • To cure morning sickness, eat Pop-Tarts at every meal.

Apparently, no research has been done on any of that. Obviously, our economy is still going downhill if important Pop-Tart experiments aren’t being performed.

What I did stumble across was this. A Pop-Tart-hater site.

If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

 This site claims the following:

  • The frosting is made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell’s gate, Cerberus.
  • The main ingredient is evil.
  • They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh.
  •  If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making them very convenient for use as crude bladed weapons, or as throwing stars.

Most importantly, frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin.

Lies! Lies, I tell you! All of this is mere propaganda probably spread by the folks at Toaster Strudel.

I’m onto you, you Strudel-de-doos. I’m onto you….

Haters gonna hate.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Wait a minute. No sober person has ever eaten a pickled egg…except now, you, pregnant, eat pickled eggs. Soooooo…pickled eggs where drunk people and pregnant people intersect, but they aren’t allowed to be the same people. I made a really cool Venn Diagram to illustrate this, but I can’t save it.”—Omawarisan


Adults Like Pop-Tarts, Too

Before I went to BlogHer last year, I asked Kellogg’s if they would send me some promotional Pop-Tart stuff to hand out.

This was their response (exagerrated paraphrased):

We’re glad you are addicted to, errrr, love Pop-Tarts. Unfortunately, we can’t just go around sending free Pop-Tarts to anyone who asks for them.

Excuse me? Don’t you know who I am? I’m not just anyone: I’m your unofficial spokesperson.

pop-tarts

Sure, if you Google “Pop-Tarts” and go to “Images, ” my blog doesn’t come up until page 10, but if you Google “Pop-Tart vodka,” I’m on page 1 and every other page. In fact, almost half of those pictures are from my blog.

  • An early picture of my vodka collection (It has since then doubled.)
  • Pop-Tarts from the Hipster
  • Mini vodka bottles
  • The Dude-flavored vodka
  • Me blowing out the candle on the birthday cupcake from Misty
  • Me eating Misty’s homemade maple-bacon Pop-Tart
  • A picture of me and Jules.

And so many other pictures of random vodka flavors and random Pop-Tart flavors, always lamenting for Pop-Tart vodka.

I realize a lot of them are vodka-related, and that isn’t real marketable to a younger audience, but adults like Pop-Tarts, too.

That’s my new slogan: Adults Like Pop-Tarts, Too.

Would adding “Boo-Ya!” at the end be too much?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Dear Mom, It’s my job and I’m doing it Like a Boss. Love, Your Little Pup-Tart. PS – Sleep is overrated. You’ll want to put that on a sleep shirt. PPS – That’s called irony & I’m already a genius.”—NanaBread

 


I Have a Dream

Every night I have the same dream. I dream of a world full of my favorite desserts. A world where…

  • Cookies and cream ice cream flows freely,
  • Smores marshmallows are golden brown,
  • Carrot cake is considered a vegetable,
  • Every day is Halloween,
  • Pop-Tarts grow on trees,
  • Cupcakes fall from the sky with tiny parachutes,
  • Key lime pie sprouts from the ground, and
  • It rains fun-flavored martinis.

Today I woke up and thought my dream was about to come true when I saw this:

Pop-Tart vodka? With sprinkles inside? If that is possible, anything is possible!

Then I saw it wasn’t real.

Some things just aren’t funny.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: The Hipster and Misty’s exchange starting here.


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