How To Teach a Cat To Pole Dance

I told Esme that it was time to start pulling her weight. She’s been a squatter for 3 years now.

Me: No more freeloading. I can’t even claim you as a dependent.

Esme: Meow?

Me: Don’t sweet talk me. Find a way to contribute.

Esme isn’t really into manual labor, and she refuses to wear a hair net over her fur, so she decided to try pole dancing. I’m her trainer.

Step 1: Play music.

Esme: I’m not dancing to “I’m Sexy and I Know It.”

Step 2: Motivation.

Music wasn’t enough for Esme. She need more. She needed…a mouse.

Step 3: Drugs.

Because I don’t want Esme to feel bad about herself in the morning or objectify her body, I decided to drug her…with catnip. This way she won’t remember anything.

Step 4: Wait for the drugs to take effect.

Esme: Why is the room spinning? You better not post this pic on your blog.

Step 5: Munchies.

Wait for the munchies to pass.

Step 6: Use the motivator (mouse) to make the cat mount the pole.

Step 7: Wiggle.

Step 8: Pass out into a catnip-induced slumber.

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About thoughtsappear

I'm about to have my first child...who I promised to Rumpelstiltskin. Shhhhhh.... Hopefully he won't find out. View all posts by thoughtsappear

30 responses to “How To Teach a Cat To Pole Dance

  • k8edid

    Haha. Very nice. Esme is quite lovely – maybe she could be a model (you know, the catwalk!). Last time I told my dog Shelby she needed to pull her weight around here she brought me a baby oppossum she had killed. I’m good with her just laying around now.

  • skippingstones

    I think it’s important to know what you’re good at! Also, to pursue the things that you really enjoy in life. I hope that Esme can turn her pole dancing into a money making business, but I’m worried that she’ll get hooked on catnip. And then she’ll have to go to re-hab, but maybe she’ll quit after one day. And then there might be a string of DUI’s and crazy umbrella attacks on the paparazzi and then she’ll shave herself bald… Poor, poor Esme! She used to be such a wonderful cat with a promising pole dancing career, and now look at her.

  • John Phillips

    Headlines I thought I’d never read – this fits the category.

  • Nikitaland

    Esme has a promising future with her pole dancing! Now just get her to wear some 3 inch heels and she’s got it made! LOL

  • clownonfire

    The munchies picture made me laugh out loud.
    My laugh out loud outburst made my daughter cried.
    My daughter crying made my wife angry at my laugh out loud outburst.
    Thank you for your post.

  • mistyslaws

    Oh, Thoughtsy. Are you Esme’s pimp, now? Because you know there is a fine line between the pole and the corner, right? Do I need to buy you a purple fedora with feather, a fur coat and cane? Because I can just ask some of ma peeps where they get theirs and you will be all set? Maybe even get yourself a little catstitution ring. That should really bring in the dough. Watch out for the po po, though.

  • Christina

    I really think Esme may have a future in pole dancing. Just keep lots of catnip around!

  • Vesta Vayne

    I have a min-pin that isn’t pulling her weight either. Even though she’s a girl, she humps anything she can get her paws around, so I don’t think it’ll be too hard to teach her to pole dance.

    Tell you what, let’s send Esme and my dog out as a pair, I think there’s real money to be made here.

  • Leauxra

    First you get her hooked on catnip, and then you get her to do things she wouldn’t do while she’s sober and film it. You’re using her! I agree with Misty. You are on the slippery slope to being a cat-pimp.

  • Carol

    Twiggy has informed me that a cat’s job is to keep its person’s lap warm. Therefore, there is no reason for a cat to learn to pole dance or anything else that might bring in some income, as questionable as it may be. Lily, however, feels that keeping the other animals in line is her job and says that pole-dancing is so beneath her. I’ll try to keep them away from Esme so she doesn’t rebel.

  • Linda Medrano

    Esme is very charming, but I really think you are leading her astray. Next thing, you’ll have tom cats howling for her to put on her act in front of the window. My dogs engage in what can only be considered “doggie porn” but you don’t see me putting pictures of it on the internet. First you drug your poor cat, then you encourage her to do a pole dance. If you take this much further, I’m contacting the SPCA.

  • gojulesgo

    What is her pole dancing name going to be? I seems like Starry Midnight or something might work….or if you want to go more risque…maybe a play on Puss ‘n Boots?

  • Classic

    I love this post! :D
    Isn’t the effect of catnip amaaaazing? A few months ago we bought catnip kitty litter because our older cat seems to confuse expensive furniture for a litter box…the litter worked alright, but then we had trouble getting the darn cat OUT of the litter box…she even slept in it…*shudder*

  • inurbase

    I tried for a year to get my cat to use one of these, however he won’t touch them. No matter how much catnip or how many treats I put near it, he just wouldn’t touch anything made of sisal rope. Cardboard on the other hand, he loved. I wonder if he has a texture problem?

  • pearlsandprose

    Hilarious, but don’t let Esme see the pics. ;) Cats consider themselves too dignified to perform.

  • monicastangledweb

    So when exactly does she go on tour? :)

  • Nikki B

    wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yah

    How is that even a song? And, PS Right Said Fred called from the 90s and wants it back.

    … just saying.

  • Stephanie

    Bahaha! Seriously, though, she’s going to need some counselling.

  • Corey

    I pictured your cat shuffling it’s ass across the carpet (in that lovely way they copy dogs sometimes) and saying “Every day I’m shufflin'”

  • Bonnie

    This is so cute!! I’m a big Esme-supporter. When she gets that swing-around down, you’ll hear me cheering her on in the background. :)

  • Pauline

    Awww, she’s so cute! Dogs have agility training, so cats should have pole dancing!

  • cooper

    so do we pay her with singles or catnip mice?

  • Trinity River

    OMG…hahaha. Too funny. My cat is in for a training session.

  • Brittany

    Your Esme posts never fail to make me bust out laughing. I love cats so much..I love cats more than I love sex. Sort of..Ok maybe not..but I really love cats.

  • sunburstdrums

    Does she do provate parties?

  • zannyro

    Just hilarious! I love your writing..will look forward to more enjoyable posts!

  • leashieloo

    Bahaha, it’s about time we put these cats to work.

  • Sara no "H"

    I buy my cat the poles with the wiggly stuff and they last about 10 minutes b4 he has them in shreds lol.

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