Mars Needs Moms lost $111 million. After Todd* dangled that fact in front of me, I had to watch the movie to see how awful it was.
Except…it wasn’t that awful.
Let me give you highlights from the first 10 minutes:
- The cat’s name is Cujo. Awesome.
- Kid doesn’t want to eat broccoli. Typical. The mom should add cheese.
- Mom says if kid eats broccoli, she’ll let him watch Zombie Dawn 3. Even better than cheese.
- Mom says, “Zombies like brains, and broccoli looks like brains.” Best. Mom. Ever.
- Kid says, “Mom, nobody likes zombies. I’m committed to their annihilation.” This line single-handedly lost the movie $111 million.
Mystery solved. Case closed. Take this movie’s loss off next week’s episode of Unsolved Mysteries. (I miss that show. Sigh….)
Obviously, zombies aren’t as brainless as we think. They’re intelligent, and they took their wrath out on this movie.
Because I’m deathly afraid of aliens and their probes, I kept watching, hoping to learn how to survive an alien abduction.
Here’s what I learned from the movie:
- Old aliens look like a taller, meaner version of ET.
- Alien to English dubbing isn’t as funny as Japanese to English dubbing.
- Aliens like moms who make their children take out the trash, not buy their children ice cream.
- If you’re going to shoot a laser at someone, bring them a change of underwear.
- Male aliens are useless. All they do is hug and dance.
But the most important lesson is that being a mom is a tough job. That’s why aliens outsource it.
*I use Todd as a reference everyday. He does his leg work. This one time…
at band camp when I was writing a research paper…the teacher actually said, “Wikipedia is not an acceptable source, but Todd Pack is.”**