How to Ride a Mechanical Bull

Riding a mechanical bull is difficult business. There’s no saddle, stirrups, or horns to help you stay on. (Horns tend to poke drunk people’s eyes out.)

Also, the bull is super smooth and slippery. Imagine a Slip N’ Slide in the shape of a bull and covered in beer instead of water. (Oh, God, I hope it was beer.)

Here are the steps I recommend for maximum riding time:

  1. Start the evening off with a text from The Hipster herself wishing you luck.
  2. Eat a light dinner (so there won’t be much to throw up).
  3. Have a curiously strong drink.
  4. Have 2 more curiously strong drinks.
  5. Wish you’d eaten something more substantial for dinner.
  6. Watch everyone fall off the bull in the first 2 seconds.
  7. Pray that you make it to 3 seconds.
  8. Watch one girl spend 5 minutes just trying to get on the bull.
  9. Pray that you can at least get on the bull.
  10. Tell the operator to take it easy on you because you’re tipsy and will probably fall off before the bull even moves.
  11. Leap onto the bull. (Or if you’re riding with someone else, grab her boobs to sturdy yourself).
  12. Fall off after a few seconds.
  13. Get back onto the bull.
  14. Regret telling the operator that you’re tipsy as he spins you around in circles.
  15. Squeeze your legs with all your might.
  16. Ride the bull’s side because you refuse to admit defeat.

As you can see here, I wasn’t able to stay on the bull very long at all.

That leaves 4 uncompleted activities on my 30 Before 30 list and less than a month to do them. Yikes!

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About thoughtsappear

I'm about to have my first child...who I promised to Rumpelstiltskin. Shhhhhh.... Hopefully he won't find out. View all posts by thoughtsappear

117 responses to “How to Ride a Mechanical Bull

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