Candyman, Candyman, Candyman…

Although I’m a horror movie fan, very few movies scare me. And I don’t mean jump-out-of-your-seat scary. I mean…

• Run-around-the-house-turning-on-every-single-light scary.
• Watch-some-cartoons-before-going-to-bed scary.
• Enter-every-room-saying-“I know you’re in here” scary.
• Wet-the-bed-because-you’re-too-scared-to-get-out-of-bed scary. (What? That’s just me?)

One movie that has alway freaked me the frick out is Candyman.

Maybe it’s the misleading title. (Oooo…a movie about candy!) Maybe it’s the bees. (Fun Fact #27 about Thoughtsie: I’ve never been stung by a bee.) Maybe it’s the possibility of a huge, hook-handed man behind my mirror.

From now on, let’s call him “C-man” just to be safe.*

Kiefer’s in Africa, and Blarney was gone, so last night seemed like a good time to rewatch C-man. While I was at home…all alone. By myself.

Here’s how the movie starts and my reactions:

• The credits roll, and I see that Clive Barker was an executive producer. No wonder it’s so scary.
• Credits are still rolling, and I notice the movie is based on a book called The Forbidden…by Clive Barker. That Clive Barker…he’s one scary guy.
• The first line of the movie: “What’s blood for if not for shedding?” Ewwww….
• Ted Raimi is in the opening sequence. Remember when I met him?
• Saying “C-man” 5 times in the mirror makes C-man appear. I should try that after the movie. NOT!
• The babysitter begins seducing Ted Raimi. Damn it, trollop in the opening sequence! Don’t tempt Ted! If he dies, I’ll turn this movie off!

Ted didn’t die, so I didn’t turn off the movie.

And that’s only the first 5 minutes. I spent the last 85 minutes curled up in a ball, rocking myself back and forth, watching the movie.

So what did I learn from this movie? I learned you’re never to old for a nightlight.

Hopefully, I look presentable for work today. I avoided all the mirrors this morning.

*You’ll notice that between the title and the text, I only typed the full version of C-Man 4 times. You can never be too careful.