Carryin’ the Banner

Open the gates and seize the day….

1992. I was about 11 years old, in 6th grade, and I was tomboy. I played with boys; I didn’t think they were cute.

That all changed when I saw this face. ::droooool::

Marry Me? Please?

And this face.

And these guys doing this.

I could go on forever. And all of these handsome faces could be seen in one movie: Newsies.

That movie made me view boys in a different light. Boys were cute. Boys could sing and dance…and fight. These boys I wanted to hold hands with, not play basketball with.

And now I can relive my youth by seeing Newsies on Broadway. Please excuse me while I squeal like a teenage woo-hoo girl.

I hope Christian Bale is in it. Otherwise I may be setting myself up for disappointment.

Is there an age limit on Cabana boys? Could Christian Bale be my Cabana boy?

Maybe Freddy Krueger Wasn’t So Bad

Have you ever watched a movie that made you question everything? (Is that too X-Filey?)

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is that movie. It will change your life. Never again will you be able to watch a horror movie without wondering…

• Maybe that guy in the mask is just covering a zit.
• Maybe that guy running his hook hand along the side of your car is really just trying to wash your windows for some extra cash.
• Maybe Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers were completely misunderstood.

The movie is about a group of college kids who assume two country hicks are killers. Assume. We all know what that means.

This isn't what it looks like.... Let me explain.

And then the college kids die because they’re accident-prone. Like my dad always said, “Accidents don’t just happen, they’re caused…by stupid assuming college kids.”

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• When you’re hitting on someone, put away the scythe.
• That guy with the chainsaw isn’t chasing you, he’s running from bees.
• Using an ax to carve “We’ve got your friend” into some wood isn’t the best way to communicate.
• When someone says, “I’m beating the crap outta her,” he means at board games.
• Bones in a house mean the previous owner was an archaelogist.
• If the woman wearing stripper heels is still alive, you’re not in any real danger. Normally, she’d be the first to go.

This movie taught me so much: Things aren’t always what they seem. Don’t stereotype. Don’t jump to conclusions. And most importantly, Don’t run with a spear; you’ll stab yourself.

What Is the Acceptable Chocolate-to-Fruit Ratio?

The other day I dragged a coworker with me  to Yogi Castle…on my lunch break. I swear it’s not an addiction. I can stop any time I want.

My yogurt was covered in chocolate and candy. My coworker’s (let’s call him Todd Ddot) yogurt was covered in fruit…no chocolate. ::Gasp!::

Ddot broke Rule #1.

Rule #1: The healthy toppings should never outweigh the yogurt.

Ddot was my inspiration for Rule #2.

Rule #2: Never add fruit to yogurt. (This makes Rule #1 null and void.)

The other day Kiefer started adding strawberries to his yogurt, and I immediately started to scold him.

Me: You’re breaking Rule #2! I don’t even know who you are anymore….

Kiefer: Is that strawberry syrup on yours?

Me: Like there are any real strawberries in that syrup. Stay away from me. I don’t even want to be seen with you…. Wait…you’re paying still paying for me, right?

So Kiefer and I compromised and added Rule #3.

Rule #3: There must be more chocolate than fruit on your yogurt.

Rule #3 is like a loophole for you weird people who like a cherry on top. Kiefer has been kind enough to provide examples for you.

Exhibit A

As you can see here, Kiefer started to eat Exhibit A before I could snap a pic. We’re not holding that against him though since he made the fruit sacrifice.

Although Kiefer added strawberries, the brownie bites, chocolate syrup, and chocolate yogurt make up for the fruit.

Exhibit B

 Once again, Kiefer added strawberries. I’m trying to not gag overlook that those strawberries are on mint yogurt. Ewwww….

Anyways, the point is that the M&Ms, chocolate chips, chocolate syrup, and mini-caramel turtles definitely outnumber the strawberries.

Salmonella: The Biggest Conspiracy Ever

Time to test your knowledge. Are the following items real or made up?

• Aliens
• Bigfoot
• Nessie the Lochness Monster
• Abominable Snowman
• Salmonella

Hopefully you answered “real” for all of them except one. Salmonella is the biggest conspiracy ever. It’s not real. Let me explain….

Raw Cookie Dough

From http://www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com

I’ve been eating raw cookie dough for years, and I’ve never had salmonella.

Salmonella isn’t real. It’s just something parents made up, so there would actually be dough left to make cookies. And because parents don’t want their children all hopped up on sugar running around like mini-maniacs.

The Name “Salmonella”

Say “Salmon.” Now say “Ella.” It should have sounded like “Sam-on-Ella.” Want me to use it in a sentence?

Look behind the bleachers, and you’ll see some Sam-on-Ella action.

When you’re talking about the fish, you don’t pronounce the “L.” Suddenly, when you’re talking about the bacteria, you pronounce the “L.”

That smells fishy to me. Sounds like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone catch two fish with one worm by stopping children from eating raw cookie dough while correcting the pronunciation of the fish.

The Symptoms (and My Potty Mouth)

You know what happens when you contract this so-called salmonella? You get faucet butt. That’s it. Then it passes.(Bwahahaha! It passes!) So how do you know if you had faucet butt from salmonella or if you got the runs from something else? You don’t know.

In conclusion, if you have children, perpetuate the salmonella myth because that means more raw cookie dough for you.

I’m Thankful for You

Someone told me she was thankful for me. That someone was the person I least expected: Kiefer’s ex.

I’ve only blogged about Kiefer’s ex once. And now I feel guilty about it, so I’m going to redeem myself.

In my defense, the very first time I met Kiefer’s ex, she was mean to me. She dropped a few rude, underhanded comments with Boo and Radley present that only Kiefer and I picked up on.

I sat there and smiled sweetly back at her while cursing her in my head. Cause that’s how I roll.

In her defense, after she got that out of her system, that was the end of it. Mostly.

The day after Thanksgiving we dropped Boo and Radley off at their grandparents’ house for a visit. When we picked them up, the ex grabbed my arm.

My Initial Thought: HELP! It burns! It burns! Cut it off if you have to! Leave no man behind! 

The ex proceeded to explain how amazing it was that I took Boo Black Friday shopping because that’s all he had been talking about all day. And how she was thankful that I was in Boo and Radley’s lives.

My Next Thought: Oh. That was nice of her. 

So…the ex and I…we’re cool now.